How should I?

How should I smile?
How should I tell you?
That I’m just tired of everything.
I’m tired being sad.
I’m tired of letting my demons control me.
I pushed everyone away,
Every last one.
Even though I want all of them near me.
I want to tell everyone I’m okay,
I want to tell myself that I’m fine,
But I’m not!
I never am.
And I don’t think I’ll ever will…

So how should I tell you that I’m not fine?
How should I show you all my scars?
How should I show anyone?
That I’m crying at night,
Mixing my sweet bitter tears with my crimson blood,
Throwing my things, pulling my hair and making my skin.
How should I even tell you or show you?
When I am scared to even say anything,
or even look at you, or anyone to be in fact..

I’m writing this poem to you and to everyone,
Who loves and cares for me,
I want to apologize,
I want to you all to forgive me…
forgive me for all the pain I hid from you,
For all the lies I’ve said.