< lesson 23 >

Now that's an exciting effect, the repetition makes it feel almost like a palindrome -- and that's exactly how the subject of the poem must feel, that the beginning is just like the end, which is only another beginning.  No punctuation or caps means it spins at whatever pace the reader chooses -- sometimes this clean, uncluttered simplicity is the most effective way to say something.  Excellent.

as an action poem and the repetitive effect produces the punch. Well done.

the rhythm and words are very sexy

as is the number 23

love the flow of it. good job rayheinrich

Made my heart skip in fear at the end for some reason.

Stellar piece, Ray.  

Ray, God help you, this is like a tweaker re-writing Dick and Jane. I am forced to think of it as satirical.

For no apparent reason I am now stuck with "It rubs the lotion on its skin" running circles in my head.

It's satirical in the same sense "arbeit macht frei"* is satirical.  
 
*from wiki: A German phrase meaning "work sets you free".  The slogan is known
for having been placed over the entrances to a number of Nazi concentration
camps during the Holocaust, including Auschwitz #1.
 

Great rhythm, nice work!

You don't hold back with the punch (Genuinely no pun intended) I thought this was fantastic, as I read it was as if my breath was caught in my throat. A thick and heavy, in a very positive way, poem. Well done.

Thanks. Good to know the breath effect works.
Iambic monometer is pretty weird, but I just
love it.