deepundergroundpoetry.com
.:What Entice Meant:.
me.
like all of us
we come and go solo
you can ask me how I know so
see, the sources of my screams
they’d been given a single voice and
for me its finally clear
temporarily this dude; he
ran things here
go ahead you can question what’s fair
like how subtle he had
amped my fear
as for me, I will not lie
I was into the high
the one that I had worked for
the one that I had reached for
and how despite his bullshit whispers
it was still on me
you see, his absence of fidelity
was the manner in which he stained me
in fact, its how he framed me
so picture me as fool;
generally his tool
cunningly and handily
it’s the way in which he ruled
you see, I was on his tour
not confidant, but whore
along the edge, the unseen wedge
while never close to core
yet, tricked to feel as one
now truth, we’re both near done
sad the deal, not staying real
about to end this run
Published 19th Mar 2015
| Edited 20th Mar 2015
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19th Mar 2015 5:09pm
There is a definite conversational tone within the poem that helps it to seem approachable and something to relate to. However, the "see temporarily this..." and the "see his absence..." were a bit hard to understand. I wasn't sure if I was supposed to be seeing something (e.g. see the dog over there?) or if you were implying the same sort of line as "see, I was on his tour". That one little comma after "see" makes a huge difference.
There are definitely some raw emotions coming through the poem which is always the sign of a great poem in the works, but it's hard to sort out what those are simply because I don't quite know what's supposed to be going on in the poem.
There are definitely some raw emotions coming through the poem which is always the sign of a great poem in the works, but it's hard to sort out what those are simply because I don't quite know what's supposed to be going on in the poem.
19th Mar 2015 6:21pm
thanks for the look and your critique Shelly, really much appreciated. I getchu on the punctuation. Grammar, punctuation; always a challenge for me. You pointing out the commas, or the lack of does speak to what I was trying to get across. The use of "see" in my mind was/is a writing "crutch" that I habitually use.
For me it's probably a better-fit when the piece is spoken as opposed to read, but, yeah, I do getchu. Eye do see the difference. Far as the clarity, I dunno...meaning I get that it's important but usually that's not my immediate concern even right up thru posting. Might not be cool but I really don't sweat what people don't get.
The raw emotions thing, I don't really have a response to that. Though I do wonder watchu read exactly that made the write "seem" approachable. Far as what's goin on in the "poem"? There's alot goin on but an overwhelming amount of it was left off the page.
If you get the chance I'd like you to critique the best & final for me.. And for sure, thanks again for your feed.
