deepundergroundpoetry.com
Walking Home From The Pub
Pretty moon and scary trees
And chicken teriyaki.
Bouncy happy, walking home
Steps all light
And bouncy.
My heart is light, head too,
The street all funny, is it real?
Or hyper-real, I can't decide
But moon is very pretty.
Key to open door, door into bedroom
It's warm, I want to hold you
But empty bed :(
My mind is full of whirlings.
And chicken teriyaki.
Bouncy happy, walking home
Steps all light
And bouncy.
My heart is light, head too,
The street all funny, is it real?
Or hyper-real, I can't decide
But moon is very pretty.
Key to open door, door into bedroom
It's warm, I want to hold you
But empty bed :(
My mind is full of whirlings.
Published 10th May 2011
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 5
reading list entries 1
comments 5
reads 1686
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
Anonymous
10th May 2011 00:08am
Well, in the first stanza I think you could improve the imagery. Actually, that applies to the whole thing. But it could definitely be improved without adjectives like "pretty, scary, happy".
And.. I think it's rather tacky to put a sad emoticon in the middle of a poem, but that's just a personal preference.
And.. I think it's rather tacky to put a sad emoticon in the middle of a poem, but that's just a personal preference.
10th May 2011 10:22am
I was drunk! I wasn't thinking about imagery, the whole idea of the poem was to put down some of what was in my head at the time of writing. I appreciate your comments, thanks for reading.
10th May 2011 00:32am
11th May 2011 3:33am
A very realistic story.....I can feel you slightly buzzed and feeling and describing the things you are speaking of in slow motion. Very Good and very different from some of your other work
6th Dec 2012 6:36pm
The last two lines would chime with one of the songs by British pop group Police - "The bed's too big without you." Its tune could make background music for poem as whole.
