deepundergroundpoetry.com
trains
trains are my
favourite
deities;
sleek and smoothly
metallic
they sin
gloriously
with their
stuttering masculine
power.
how I long for
that
uncertain
taking of
me
aggressive yet
controlled.
how wanted that
penetration
would make me
feel,
more than all the
promises
of deceitful
men
whose lies
murder love and often then
turn around and kill it once again.
favourite
deities;
sleek and smoothly
metallic
they sin
gloriously
with their
stuttering masculine
power.
how I long for
that
uncertain
taking of
me
aggressive yet
controlled.
how wanted that
penetration
would make me
feel,
more than all the
promises
of deceitful
men
whose lies
murder love and often then
turn around and kill it once again.
Published 5th May 2011
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
9th May 2011 9:54am
Such a brilliant opening! To continue that metaphor right through without a single hiccup takes a fine touch, then the ending with its slightly longer lines trails off into almost anticlimax -- which forces a second, third, sixteenth read to get that little bit more out of it. I note from reading a couple of your pieces that you favour the minimalist line -- in this poem that works perfectly to give the staccato beat of the train across tracks. This is great stuff.
9th May 2011 11:25pm
