the divining rod is broken and I'm afraid to sleep

I tried to manufacture dreams of you    
like I could divine a future where we’d both meet  
at the beach or a coffee shop    
and laugh about how our demons  
hadn’t caught up with us yet    
   
But I guess perhaps    
we’ve both been lying    
trying to find honesty between the lines  
we try and fail to live  
   
I’ve been wanting to tell you    
I’m still a ghost    
wandering around in human flesh    
but never quite connecting    
with the world around    
   
But I guess it’s easier to smile    
and pretend my reality    
isn’t staring down the mouth of a black hole    
because honesty comes with a price    
and despite the likelihood I’d pick a fight    
a fight on any given drunken night    
conflict has been bleeding me down    
to my bones    
and I’ve never been any good  
with the disappointment in your eyes  
   
Because you never fail to surprise me    
between the honesty and lies  
that I can count like freckles on my skin    
when the summer sun hasn’t kissed me    
various other shades of unreality    
your world frozen over like a winter wonderland  
of unlit forest fires among the skeleton trees  
waiting for the thaw to come    
   
And now I can’t remember    
the last time I dreamed your face  
the nights instead  
giving birth to screams    
inside my mind    
where all thoughts of you fade    
to a place where perhaps    
I never dreamt of you at all    
   
And I don’t know what scares me more    
that I tried to dream you into reality    
or that I don't dream of you anymore  
   
© Indie Adams 2015