Manic Ramblings

A phone call would be all it would take, and yet I know I can't do that. My mental state can't take anymore of the same games. I can't take anymore of the blame. I had a part, I take responsibility for what I've done, but I can't take the whole burden. I did what I had to, I shouldn't feel guilty, but I do. I broke a promise, I walked away, I went back on my word, but I had to escape. Even with the aftermath caused by my actions, I can't take this back, and I really don't want to. Not everything is my fault, although the consensus says otherwise. There are two sides to every story, people rarely learn both, I don't really care. This story has nothing to do with anyone, it doesn't even involve me anymore, and yet it does. Everyone has an ugly side to them, you either accept it or you don't. But there are only so many times one can go head to head with another. It seems every time I turn around I face these hidden demons. How did I become so lucky? Part of me would like to apologize, both for things I did and didn't do. Closure really is a joke. It's not closure, it's taking care of yourself, the past crap just fades in significance. I've dealt with a lot of verbal abuse lately. I've gotta say I've never been told I should have died before, I can say I have now. I wonder, is that just anger for what I've done, or am I missing something, too? Am I unaware of words spoken against me? Who are they to decide whether I should live or die? I've been told I am a heartless, selfish person for what I've done. That's not something I haven't heard before, but what part of me taking care of myself, protecting myself, labels me as such? I am finally to a point in my life where I care about taking care of myself versus worrying about anyone, and everyone, before myself. How could that possibly make me a bad person? To try and help anyone before myself has never helped me. I can't help myself if I don't try and I can't try if I am worried about everyone else. People lead to disappointment and I've never been so disappointed in my life. I could handle pain, I expect that, but I'm not really sure what to do with disappointment. I don't think it's something I have to learn how to cope with, it's just what is. Words can't be taken back, not concerned about that, but the verbal attacks are uncalled for, as well as unnecessary. Their words won't change my decision, I haven't even bothered, it would be a waste of time. They don't know me, I don't know them, who cares anyway? I'm not even sure how people decide that they're going to jump into something that has nothing to do with them. How do they know that they have all the facts when they only know one side of a two part thing? Especially considering they really don't even know me. They're more than welcome to their opinion, of course, but how do they justify telling someone they should have died? I've said some pretty cold things in my life. I've even told someone that they were dead to me, but even that is a far cry from telling someone they should have died. It's a cruel world. I've just made the decision to not care. With any luck, my thoughts will stop chasing each other, it's really hard to sleep when they do that. Keep moving forward, don't regret, fix myself for myself. Obviously, I won't be needing them anyway.