Despite What I Feel

Once again I find myself on this hill.
it seems lonely when I don't go visit.
I rest my legs but i'm still tired.
as the light in the sky slowly dies.
I lay and watch and feel the comfort of the stars.
but from the side of my eye I only see the constant glare of my phone.
messages telling me "please don't hate me".
I no longer feel what I should have at that moment.
I didn't feel my heart brake and I didn't feel hate.
I guess i'm just the boy inside the man.
and the love I had for her is just a memory not remembering.
as I lay on the cold floor, stones pressing into my back as if they wish to hug me and never let go.
I just grin with my hopes and dreams crushed behind my teeth when I bite down in anger.
I grip the earth and suffocate it with unbelievable strength.
but i loosen up to a new feeling.
watching the moon shine its beautiful light upon me.
there it was..
the feeling i was waiting for..
the empty heavy feeling in my heart as if its ready to implode.
tears slowly stitch its way down my face.
as I remain motionless...
as my facial expression remained as if I had no soul.
I sat up.. just to watch the place i home..
watching the cars in the very far distance.
hearing the dogs barking..
I turn my attention back to the sky..
I've never felt more broken..
I've never felt more alone..
Strangely I've never felt more at home..
I look at old pictures of who i said to have loved.
now I look at how many pictures I've deleted.
I feel so empty its strange I can call myself human.
as i hear the coyotes yelping in the distance i look up to the moon and wished.
"please bring me home.. I don't want to feel this kind of pain.. the one thing I wanted most.. hurts just as badly"
I was astonished by the shooting star that flew over head.
the color of green that was being left in its trail.
it looked as though the star had been watching me.
and as fast as it could.. ran to fulfill my desire.
but as i remained i only knew what i really wished for.
but i know love is something i can't control.
and i don't want to..
but as the time i've been laying there remembering and considering "what should I do?" it finally came out of my mouth with a unsure sincerity.
I the words slowly flowed out of my mouth.
"We couldn't see it
But we created
A place between truth and overrated
If I could just see it all
Just like a fly on the wall
Would I be able to accept what I can't control?
And would I share what I saw?
Or just sit back and ignore
Like nothing never happened,
I haven't seen you before?
I'm on the run from a thief
I let into my head
I know, I hold the keys, so don't be scared
When I turn and shout
I don't think I need you anymore
Take your words, and your lies and just beat it!
I don't think I need you anymore
Take the hurt and the pain, I don't need it!
I wanna live, I wanna be the change"
I it hurt as i sang these lyrics softly to myself but I realized slowly i've wanted to fix the relationship.
i did my part but where was she?
she wants me to fight..
and for what?
so now i say as i slowly walk home.
"man, I'm fucking tired.. I'm just gonna move on.. whatever happens.. fuck it.. i got better things to do.. i'm not gonna sit there and go through that shit again.. if it was really love we could have worked out.. but instead we just sit there and challenge loyalty and trust"
but i knew deep in my heart i would take her in without a second beat.
but despite what i feel i should remember what i saw on her phone...