What Path Good or Bad

Sometimes I think about the day i'm gonna die like if i'll be sober or high wet or dry cold or will I be set on fire and left to fry. I also think about committing suicide but i'd rather have someone stab me to death you know a brutal homicide. No matter how much i'm tempted to take my own life i'll never follow through but that's like an alcoholic being drunk after they said they'll never again drink any brew. I don't know anymore what path i'm gonna choose I feel like both the good and the bad i'm gonna fucking lose.