happy birthday, babyface

i'm hittin another birthday
a big one this time
otherwise
i wouldn't ruminate on it
so much

always thought
(under-30s do)
that's the "old" mark
where there's no fudging it anymore
ya just old, girl
mostly because you're a girl

and they say kids keep you young
but they don't really
it's more
they make you backtrack
and remember
and relive
(if you're doing it right)
what made you enjoy life
when you were that small
but it wears on one's face
i think
when they
or you
are having a hard go of it

and when you say
"i have three kids"
you're instantly older
than you already were
whether you look it or not
(whether you feel it or not)
and being constantly told
you don't
doesn't seem to
make you feel any less worn
because you're
the responsible one
the go-to
the fall-back
the shoulder
and you would have it any other way
a lot of days
but most days
you wouldn't

thought, by now
i'd have heavy laugh lines
and part of me
is glad  
'cos it would add another 30
to my frame
at first glance

thought i'd feel dignified
and experienced
and wise...r
well
thought i'd have
figured it out a little better
learned lessons from my mistakes
maybe even
made something of myself
that didn't involve
more dishes
more mopping
more cleaning up
other people's shit

but i am being every day
everything i ever hated to see
learning
about being born a female
in a patriarchal society
even since childhood
i am small-town
defending poisonous teeth
under looming guillotine commandments
blossoming bitterness
held down by the neck
in my place
by a man

and to think i found myself
bursting her colours out
from under the ugly rubble
just to lose her
at the same bit of the dream
where we lock ourselves
in a burning building
to get away from the forest
we set on fire