Some of us abandon Heaven

 
I grew up in perpetual summer
fishing, camping, ocean, sun
the perceived safe haven of acquired ohana
but after the initial gash and scar
of our broken family
leaving my ne[s]t
infection set in;

I died
and swept up in the changes of chance
and bitterness of fortunes
abandoned everything I truly loved in life.

Somewhere
it had something to do with my mother
and her ambition toward her God-given right
to have everything
she simply wanted:

To soak her painted toes in the crystal chlorinated water
of her own backyard swimming pool
to have a Sunshine State beach in the good old US of A
visible from the door
so if the UV beds failed
she could keep up her brilliant orange tan
to go with her bleached blond hair
and the basic necessity of French-ly manicured nails

To have her children adore and wait on her hand and foot
in gratefulness for the years she spent raising us;

She would have loved to have always been draped
in gawdy gold jewellery
draping herself on the arm of a man with status
and would have had a "Praise Jesus"
for finally awarding her what she deserves
as a child of God.

The idea of luxury itself became loathesome and pretentious
required too much selfish effort
and her version
drove me to rebellion against money and material
so all I wanted
was freedom -
give me the toils and hardships that come with it
avoid 'the ladder' at all costs.

What I failed to realize in my young mind
was that freedom itself
is a luxury

and maybe
in all the long working days and solitary study nights
she just wanted to earn
her own version of heaven
before she hit the Big Time in the afterlife
that may or may not
come around.