deepundergroundpoetry.com
What Ails Me Still?
Just a thought of fancy, a shimmering twisting vale, home to all good creatures upon there merry way
I sit a dreamer dammed, lost but not forgotten, my hearts truth but a beat away
The fear of all I am, the fear of people knowing, the fear of never growing in that splendid sort of way
Tell me of yourself, I'm sure I'd understand, for the longing that’s in all of us is but common to all man
Why then so insecure to be that I am, do I dread the look of difference that your face will wear and speak are we not brothers and sisters that in unity we should seek
I look to none for pity for a victim I am not, I look upon this creation and see it is but me with many mirrors mirroring all facets therein I planned, in a realm not long forgotten, my souls happy land.
I sit a dreamer dammed, lost but not forgotten, my hearts truth but a beat away
The fear of all I am, the fear of people knowing, the fear of never growing in that splendid sort of way
Tell me of yourself, I'm sure I'd understand, for the longing that’s in all of us is but common to all man
Why then so insecure to be that I am, do I dread the look of difference that your face will wear and speak are we not brothers and sisters that in unity we should seek
I look to none for pity for a victim I am not, I look upon this creation and see it is but me with many mirrors mirroring all facets therein I planned, in a realm not long forgotten, my souls happy land.
Published 19th Nov 2014
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19th Nov 2014 10:43am
There is one superb line, The fear of all I am, the fear of people knowing, the fear of never growing in that splendid sort of way - tremendous rhythm emphasised by internal rhyme. I would love to see you applying that discipline to every line. The broken rhyme scheme and changes in rhythm I find do not really provide effect, but tend to fragment your work and make it halt a little. You play with ideas and use words well. Purely subjective, of course, but I think that this could be reworked to make it really effective. Just a thought.
PS is the see/me internal rhyme in the last line deliberate or intuitive writing? I would be fascinated to know.
PS is the see/me internal rhyme in the last line deliberate or intuitive writing? I would be fascinated to know.
25th Nov 2014 3:27pm
First of all I’d like to thank you for your honest critique, A lot of my poems are written automatically/intuitively (sometimes with a bit of my thought thrown in) usually in a matter of minutes, sometimes I like to adjust the rhythm after when I re-read the poem and a more harmonic turn of phrase presents itself, I shall definitely be more aware now of the internal underlying flow of rhythm, thank you, you’ve given me something to look forward to and play with. The see/me play in the last line….Hmmm hard to explain, It’s like the words just pop in but I have an awareness of where there going (intuitive) and a small percentage of the time I know what I want to write (deliberate) It’s interesting to note that all my poems start of intuitive and by the end line I’m usually the one consciously writing, if that doesn’t sound to absurd so in answer I think it was intuitively led to be deliberate, thanks again
