deepundergroundpoetry.com
I'm Addicted
Im told her is a poison.That im better off without it.But truthfully speaking.I'm Addicted.I couldn't open up before.Something about her.A feeling.I wish someday.I could give her.My love.Let her unlock my heart.Cause I'm Addicted to her.A higher feeling than just a friend.A feeling of love.When i talk to her.I just wanna be with her wanna show the world.My love is real.Never gonna walk away out on her.Be there for the good times & the bad times.My heart is on lockdown.She's the only one who's the key.I don't care what others say.Yeah I'm Addicted to true beauty.She smile that can light up the room.She my fire.My & only passion.If i could pick her or a model.I'm gonna choose her.No model looks good without makeup.She a perfect ten with & without makeup.I'm Addicted to rose.She's like a rush.If rose love is a poison give me the shot.If you call me for loving rose.Take me to a doctor.I need that shot of her love.If it's poison than give me the shot.give me the shot.I'm Addicted to girl named rose.
Published 17th Nov 2014
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The author encourages honest critique.
17th Nov 2014 6:25am
Sorry, but the very first line makes no sense, neither semantically nor poetically. Should it be 'I'm told she is a poison?' but then what is the 'it'? Or, 'I'm told love is a poison?' If you really want people to read your poems and relate to them perhaps you should ensure that what you write is read through first and checked. Poetry, by its nature, can be difficult to understand, so needs special care. No offence I hope. The advice is offered in a friendly and helpful spirit.
17th Nov 2014 6:51am
give me credit it was the first love song i ever wrote in my life i've writing a total of 3,509 songs before.most about rebelling & life experience.thanks for the truth.i'll work towards getting better
17th Nov 2014 7:07am
I am happy to give you credit. There is power there. Criticism is never easy to take (and not necessarily valid or good) so your response does you great credit too. And you are absolutely right, a poem needs to be made better. Crafted, rewritten, polished. It should not be something dashed off in a few minutes. It should be the work of a lifetime. Come back to it in a years time and look at it again. There is always room for improvement. Good writing.
18th Nov 2014 11:28pm
19th Nov 2014 6:47am
I'm not saying don't 'publish' your poems, though I would say never publish without several revisions and a few days at least for the subconscious to work on it. My rule is that if anything doesn't feel quite right then it isn't and needs reworking. But my point is never stop polishing your treasures. Years later, on a rereading, be prepared to get out the pen and start crossing out. Look at the notebooks of Wilfred Owen, for example, and you will see the amount of savage revision that his poems underwent. OK so Jonson famously said that Shakespeare never blotted a line. I don't believe it and, let's face it, there are more than a few that should have been blotted. A poem is always a work in progress.
20th Nov 2014 3:44am
