deepundergroundpoetry.com
missed
your safety and freedom away you do piss
you're not as sharp as the point you miss
your cause could be the cause of this
you're not as sharp as the point you miss
your cause could be the cause of this
Published 7th Oct 2014
| Edited 26th Nov 2015
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
7th Oct 2014 1:53am
I like the poem. The only thing that I would change is the last two lines. It's a little off with the repeating of the word "cause"
...perhaps it would sound better if it was...
"your fault
could be the cause of this"
Keep up the work!
...perhaps it would sound better if it was...
"your fault
could be the cause of this"
Keep up the work!
sometimes irony trumps the solitaire use of a word..... YOUR cause is THE cause.... at least to me, it's about meaning not a formula... but thank you. I value your thoughts..
