deepundergroundpoetry.com
a sea of darkness, down to the pit
The darkness is all around me,
A dark pulsating sea.
a sea trying to drown me,
why can't you see?
you stand there watching,
as I sink down to the dark things.
and I'm slowly drowning,
falling to the place, where the evil sings.
the darkness pulls me down,
and all you do is frown.
Do you enjoy this?
watching me die?
I hear them hiss,
fallen angles of the sky.
the devils laughing,
they know I'm here,
they know I'm coming...
I scream for help, why don't you hear?
I've finished drowning, this is it,
I slowly fall... Down to the pit...
A dark pulsating sea.
a sea trying to drown me,
why can't you see?
you stand there watching,
as I sink down to the dark things.
and I'm slowly drowning,
falling to the place, where the evil sings.
the darkness pulls me down,
and all you do is frown.
Do you enjoy this?
watching me die?
I hear them hiss,
fallen angles of the sky.
the devils laughing,
they know I'm here,
they know I'm coming...
I scream for help, why don't you hear?
I've finished drowning, this is it,
I slowly fall... Down to the pit...
Published 22nd Aug 2014
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The author encourages honest critique.
22nd Aug 2014 7:50am
A lot of repetition. Not sure if that's what you were going for, but I don't like it. Yes, I get it. It's dark, a sea, and it's pulling you. I don't typically like rhyme schemes, but I don't feel like this one limited you too much. If you feel like it's limiting you, then you should probably try an unconventional rhyme scheme, use near rhymes, off rhymes. ect. Or not use them at all.
I felt that this piece was kinda generic and bland. But if it helped you (emotionally, creatively, ect.) , even a little bit, then dismiss my previous statement.
I felt that this piece was kinda generic and bland. But if it helped you (emotionally, creatively, ect.) , even a little bit, then dismiss my previous statement.
Anonymous
23rd Aug 2014 12:43pm
What I like is the desolation of this poem. It is like it creates its own echo in the utter dark....
