Committing Suicide But Living to Tell About It

Some people commit suicide when depressed,
But with me, I have perverted sex instead.
That way  - even though part of me dies  -
I get to survive, wounded though I am, one more day.
Some people put guns in their mouths and pull the trigger.
I put my mouth around a sex pistol,
Sucking on that barrel of flesh to trigger the release
Of liquid bullets, - semen as bullets - droplets of seed.
It may be moral suicide, a self-inflicted "wound,"
But at least I get to live to tell about it,
The next day - I mean today.
I'm not recommending perverted sex.
For it's what drives some people to suicide.
Why am I talking about it?
I never cease to be amazed:
Here i am killing myself like someone in a car crash,
yet walking away without a scratch.
I am a walking dead man, a dead man on furlow.
I think I know how a ghost must feel,
He is dead but in a way also alive.
Whereas I am alive but in a way (morally)"dead."