deepundergroundpoetry.com
Rachelle (a poem for a friend)
We could be brother and sister,
Two people connected into one person.
One is a reader and the other is a writer-
Imagine that we are demigods
From lore told that I made up
And you proofread!
We're the friends you'd see
Snuggled up on a couch
In a cafe on open mic night,
Our shoulders open for tears
Or thoughts or
Confidence.
Two cats
That met on Halloween,
Strangers entirely but
Already we skipped in the street
Meowing friendly like we could
Sense each other out;
There were parts in each other
That we shared: similar feelings,
A connection of understanding.
Instantly.
The solitary seemed over,
Now there's somebody who'll understand,
A friend for the letting out
And it's perfect, one's an arm slasher
Who grew the tendency out of mistreatment
And the other is a head-wrecker
Who also liked to sit in the same bleakness
But instead felt tortured by the mind's eye-
Two beautiful old souls
Trapped in cell-shaped shells
That together are easier to break.
Two people connected into one person.
One is a reader and the other is a writer-
Imagine that we are demigods
From lore told that I made up
And you proofread!
We're the friends you'd see
Snuggled up on a couch
In a cafe on open mic night,
Our shoulders open for tears
Or thoughts or
Confidence.
Two cats
That met on Halloween,
Strangers entirely but
Already we skipped in the street
Meowing friendly like we could
Sense each other out;
There were parts in each other
That we shared: similar feelings,
A connection of understanding.
Instantly.
The solitary seemed over,
Now there's somebody who'll understand,
A friend for the letting out
And it's perfect, one's an arm slasher
Who grew the tendency out of mistreatment
And the other is a head-wrecker
Who also liked to sit in the same bleakness
But instead felt tortured by the mind's eye-
Two beautiful old souls
Trapped in cell-shaped shells
That together are easier to break.
Published 15th Jul 2014
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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comments 4
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Anonymous
15th Jul 2014 8:35pm
Hello there.
Welcome back... Matthew? (if you are the person I think you are)
A few things I'd like to go through:
Firstly, was a capital letter on every line intentional?
First stanza, lovely. Second stanza, the first two lines flow on beautifully from the previous lines. I'm not sure the exclamation mark adds anything to this piece.
"our shoulders open for tears" is a belter of a line. Possibly the best line I've read today.
The cat metaphor I'm not sure works. It seems to detract from the starkness of the opening of the poem. It wouldn't hurt, I think, to remove these stanzas all together.
"There were parts of each other" - I'm not sure if it may be worth changing this to "there were parts of us that we shared" - this just gives a more direct reference to the words.
The closing four stanzas are actually rather lovely, and really give a sense of emotion and sentimentality to the piece, which would make sense in this dedication.
All of this is just my own honest opinion of course, and you don't have to listen to any of it.
Thank you for the read.
Welcome back... Matthew? (if you are the person I think you are)
A few things I'd like to go through:
Firstly, was a capital letter on every line intentional?
First stanza, lovely. Second stanza, the first two lines flow on beautifully from the previous lines. I'm not sure the exclamation mark adds anything to this piece.
"our shoulders open for tears" is a belter of a line. Possibly the best line I've read today.
The cat metaphor I'm not sure works. It seems to detract from the starkness of the opening of the poem. It wouldn't hurt, I think, to remove these stanzas all together.
"There were parts of each other" - I'm not sure if it may be worth changing this to "there were parts of us that we shared" - this just gives a more direct reference to the words.
The closing four stanzas are actually rather lovely, and really give a sense of emotion and sentimentality to the piece, which would make sense in this dedication.
All of this is just my own honest opinion of course, and you don't have to listen to any of it.
Thank you for the read.
15th Jul 2014 9:17pm
15th Jul 2014 9:19pm
Oh and yes, the capitals are intentional. I love that style personally so I adopted it as my own.
Anonymous
15th Aug 2014 4:16am
I really like this, reminds me of an old friend, great ink.
