deepundergroundpoetry.com
daisies and buttercups
Don't dis my obsessions
at the moment you're
in detention, haven't woken
still sleeping since sixth grade,
imperfections, luckily neither of us face
election because we're time bombs
supposedly girls with flowers crave attention,
absolutely agreeable reflection
not to mention the
deathbed sentence, keep me posted on your
boring notions, might as well stay
up to date, just in case
times change too fast for me
to jump back on the hipster bus,
elation is for the sunshine, i'd like a
ride back to hell, it's more divine,
corpses are quieter than your whines
under the ground we sit and divide
perfection among ourselves and
share the wonders of floral decay in our tea
at the moment you're
in detention, haven't woken
still sleeping since sixth grade,
imperfections, luckily neither of us face
election because we're time bombs
supposedly girls with flowers crave attention,
absolutely agreeable reflection
not to mention the
deathbed sentence, keep me posted on your
boring notions, might as well stay
up to date, just in case
times change too fast for me
to jump back on the hipster bus,
elation is for the sunshine, i'd like a
ride back to hell, it's more divine,
corpses are quieter than your whines
under the ground we sit and divide
perfection among ourselves and
share the wonders of floral decay in our tea
Published 21st Jun 2014
| Edited 25th Jun 2014
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 4
reading list entries 0
comments 3
reads 799
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
23rd Jun 2014 3:35pm
I like the poem itself,and your consistent voice, along with some really hard faced lines:
"n ot to mention the
d eathbed sentence, keep me posted on your
b oring notions, might as well stay
u p to date, just in case"
and "corpses are quieter than your whines". there's a lot to take in here with a decent level of depth.
I feel you may be doing the reader a small dis-service by separating the first letter of each line, I'm almost certain most people would get the impact of the Acrostic, but totally your call there.
all in, decent poem, interesting, fluid enough with a nice level of depth.
fair play, keep shining
"n ot to mention the
d eathbed sentence, keep me posted on your
b oring notions, might as well stay
u p to date, just in case"
and "corpses are quieter than your whines". there's a lot to take in here with a decent level of depth.
I feel you may be doing the reader a small dis-service by separating the first letter of each line, I'm almost certain most people would get the impact of the Acrostic, but totally your call there.
all in, decent poem, interesting, fluid enough with a nice level of depth.
fair play, keep shining
25th Jun 2014 6:51pm
25th Jun 2014 8:14pm
Great poem, but as CraicDealer said, I think you shouldn't separate the first letter of every line. It makes it difficult to read. Also, please try to capitalize the first letter of every line. Just some advice. Do with it as you please.
All in all, love the poem!
All in all, love the poem!
