deepundergroundpoetry.com
Drowning in sorrow
Drowning in a darkness,
Of deep despair,
Beleiving the lies i hear,
And seeing things not there.
See the rays of light,
They shine upon my scars,
Reaching for that broken smile,
Among the hidden stars.
Hearing the tear drops,
Falling from your eyes,
Believe my hidden secrets,
And tell my stolen lies.
Bring me to the surface,
So i can finnaly breathe,
Let me see the sorrow,
Of my broken dreams.....
Of deep despair,
Beleiving the lies i hear,
And seeing things not there.
See the rays of light,
They shine upon my scars,
Reaching for that broken smile,
Among the hidden stars.
Hearing the tear drops,
Falling from your eyes,
Believe my hidden secrets,
And tell my stolen lies.
Bring me to the surface,
So i can finnaly breathe,
Let me see the sorrow,
Of my broken dreams.....
Published 28th Mar 2011
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 7
reading list entries 0
comments 9
reads 2304
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
28th Mar 2011 8:07pm
1st Apr 2011 7:20pm
28th Mar 2011 8:22pm
Such deep emotion..I can feel and relate to your pain in this poem..peace Crimsin
1st Apr 2011 7:20pm
Anonymous
- Edited 28th Mar 2011 8:57pm
28th Mar 2011 8:35pm
Looking past a few grammatical mistakes* which I've listed below, this is a fairly impressive poem. The first stanza is pure corn ball, and the poem could easily work without it, but the rest surprised me with its honesty and even uniqueness at times. The second and third stanzas are somewhat beautiful; the idea of "hearing" teardrops, and smiles hidden among stars (I'd suggest you take out the "broken" though; less is more, as they say). In the last line of the third stanza I would have put just "telling" instead of "and tell", though that may be simply a subjective thing.
The commas are ill-placed and create a thumping effect which interrupts the rhythm. I'd recommend removing all punctuation.
*1. "Believing" should be spelt like so in the first stanza.
2. The lower case "I"s. As appropriate grammar appears elsewhere throughout the piece in the form of capitals after line breaks, they look a little sloppy and strange.
3. "Finally" should be spelt like so in the final stanza.
The commas are ill-placed and create a thumping effect which interrupts the rhythm. I'd recommend removing all punctuation.
*1. "Believing" should be spelt like so in the first stanza.
2. The lower case "I"s. As appropriate grammar appears elsewhere throughout the piece in the form of capitals after line breaks, they look a little sloppy and strange.
3. "Finally" should be spelt like so in the final stanza.
1st Apr 2011 7:21pm
29th Mar 2011 00:54am
1st Apr 2011 7:20pm
2nd Apr 2011 5:07am
"Believe my hidden secrets,
And tell my stolen lies"
I really like that for some reason
And tell my stolen lies"
I really like that for some reason
