Damage

I swear I just don't know what I'm doing anymore
Its like I don't even have control of my life anymore
Stuck lost in a world on my own
Putting my man through hell
I really don't wanna see him hurt
Because of the dumb shit I do
I act like I can't read the signs
Like I'm naturally selfish and only think about mine
Not even acting like he's mine
Because he really wants to be
I can tell he gets confused as to why he still stays with me
And I'm sitting here wondering why I can't remember anything
Got me thinking if we are really meant to be
He is everything I ever wanted in a man
He's everything I wanted in my past relationships
But somehow I just can't get the clue
And I wanna know why?
Do I really love him has been running through my mind
Because how I treat him is not the same
He's giving me the opportunity to do what I couldn't do back in the day
And I just can't take advantage somehow
But I sure can take him for granite somehow
It pisses me off because every time I try to get it right
I'm always missing a few steps like I'm taking a math test
My weakest subject, I just wanna love him
I just wanna make up for my past and treat him like no ones ever done him
Because I know I can do it. I don't know what's wrong with me
And I'm not blaming everything on this pregnancy
I just wanna show him how much I love him unconditionally
But something keeps holding me back like its not meant to be.
I at least wanna actually try and see for myself.
I know I'm not trying hard enough
I need to quit being so mad with myself and blaming him for why I am where I am
I know I play a part in it or probably the main role
But whatever it is I need it to let me be happy and get us out of this hole.


This isn't like me, there's a reason I made it to see 18
I'm not a dummy, I need to get my head out the clouds and check back in to reality, I am losing out on a great opportunity.