Reality

Sometimes I get out of touch.

My realities aren't constant.

They change day to day
Week to week
Year to year.

Yesterday I felt loved
I felt at peace
and fine.

Today I feel betrayed,
I feel overwhelmed,
and alone.

Last week I felt fresh,
I felt powerful,
and capable.

This week I feel worthless,
I feel selfish
and naive.

Last year I felt confident,
I felt outgoing,
and bright.

This year I feel lost,
I feel nonexistent,
and even dead.

I remember laying in the back seat of my boyfriend's car.
He was kissing my neck, on top of me.
Oh how he was filled with ecstasy,
and I, emptiness.

At first, I consented to the activity.
I thought maybe it would make me feel better.
Maybe, I would feel more human.
It didn't work.

As he laid on top of me,
I looked out the window at the dark sky.
I lost myself.
I really, really lost myself.

My thoughts ceased to flow.
My eyes felt blank.
I realized he was there,
but I was not; I was gone.

I snapped back soon after
And, oh man was I scared.
It is not an enjoyable feeling
To lose reality with yourself for minutes on end.

He didn't understand.
I made a tongue-tied, nervous effort to
try and have him see eye to eye.
The problem was his eyes were still alive

And mine were dull.

I have gotten so sick of this feeling
That has been following me since childhood.
3rd grade is where it began;
the memories are faded but the emotions are not.

I could only succeed at idolizing others,
And tearing myself down.
"She is better, prettier, more well-liked.
I am just me, average. I don't even know what I am."

If I could put emotions in words, it would go something like that.

But I am afraid.
I am afraid of asking for help.
It's because I am barley a human,
They should help people who matter.

I also do not want to self diagnose,
But when I isolate myself in my room
and feel betrayed by people who have done nothing
and stare at the wall blankly...

I have no choice.


The problem is,
I can't have a problem.
How can I,
When I don't exist?