The Truth

Your urged to listen to, the metaphysical,strong sista
who came from a ma'am and a mister, let me paint you all a picture,
of a soul much richer,of a soul that been through hell and back and limbo is the kicker.
You wanna know the truth, I always felt like a pariah, until i found the strength that lies within to lift me higher, above all the hatred, and above all the anger, above all the gossip it can kiss my middle finger.
Get it started with my momma thats a complicated lady, i know i let her actions beat me down and on a daily,confusion often beckoned, 'cuz i knew that i was different, i knew that life and love deserve a quality commitment, there's no way motherhood includes what i have witnessed.
I wonder does she love me or does she even care, or is her conscience in the forest dancing with the bears, or should i say bear, if im being really honest, a man came between mom,me,and my brother when we were toddlers, and the curse of him remains,along with all the trauma,if you loved her and her kids why you hittin' on my momma?,if you handlin' your biz why your other kids resent ya?, why my momma feelin' ugly?, you destroyed her mental pictures, no esteem to save herself so instead she saved a nigga.
Please excuse my french,but the word indeed applies,especially if you choose to remain a dumb guy, doesnt wanna learn to read, doesnt wanna learn to write, instead you got my momma doin' paperwork at night,understanding times were different when you up and left the sticks, but once you gained ground in the city, opportunities you missed,8th grade education,no GED in sight,nor the motivation to evolve,make things right, instead you chose to master the custodial arts and come home to tear my momma's spirit apart.
OK that's enough he's getting too much attention,but he's part of my story,so i had to mention,his effect on my mom which reflected on us, in different ways we rebelled and of course there was no trust,I myself was the thief with a manipulating brain,so getting whatever i wanted wasn't hard to obtain.
I was also a cutter,depressed,suicidal,all my thoughts were cluttered, i was my own rival, a compulsive food hoarder,i over ate on the low, often stealing to appease it when momma said no,I didn't care what my weight was or the problems it might cause,I was too busy plotting on my next round of applause.
That's what i called it when i pulled off a caper, i used to dream of ways of being a professional taker,everybody was a target,i had to have it all,consider it my rise to a future fall.
As my home life crumbled, i had moments of bliss, but few were at home, those feelings i missed,instead i rolled with auntie,she was my saving grace,even when she stayed in my face,not a second i would replace,because she showed me love,discipline,respect,and strength,revealing how a woman is properly treated,how to deal with life's problems and to never feel defeated.
Stand up straight,hold your head up,believe in yourself,stop moping around, never settle for less,those were the words i needed to hear from my mother,instead she gave up on me and ignored my brother,of course the plague remained and the infection got worse, i thank god it didn't happen but he almost needed a nurse,a doctor,'cuz one night i lost it all, i put butane fluid in his alcohol, it was brown liquor so i thought he wouldn't notice,well he certainly did it was a toxic potion,complete with fumes he immediately smelled,livid, he performed,but for once my mom rebelled.
"There's no way in hell she could've done such a thing,she's my daughter please" he screams "your daughter tryna kill me" and im locked in my room smiling,enjoying every minute, I'm basking in dirty glory, submerged within it.
My lowest actions though, was when in one day,i called bomb threats, and stole money in a church while people prayed, to this day i wish for difference in mentality with those choices, instead i focused on hatred,those evil voices, that depression that consumed me and controlled my being,my soul was corrupted, Satans horns i was seeing.
All of this occurred before i turned 13,on the outside introverted on the inside unclean,pubescent years past, my actions continued without regret,sneaking and lying daily to smoke cigarettes,high school came along with all the typical mistakes,skipping class,manipulating teachers as i continued to take,whatever i wanted from the masses , I'd eat lunch in their classes, wait 'til the coast was clear and rob all their asses, i had a system and it worked more often than not,getting over was the game and i rarely got caught.
After prom and graduation my reality got checked, karma seized my situation,my titanic finally wrecked, i never planned to go to college so that wasn't my drama, adult life's complications and worse choices made me darker,until certain people arrived to shape improvement in my heart, it slowly melted and warmed,i rediscovered my art, for helping those in need,and awesome flows to read, breaking out of my shell, opening my eyes to see.
Then it happened diagnosis and car accident,kind of ironic losing mobility and learning to walk again,imagine a good job and apartment taken away in an instant and there's no one around who can help you fix it, imagine going back to the place you hated,growing up in that war zone, coming back to no changes, depression returned with a vengeance,feeling helpless again,for a while i was convinced ,it would be my life's trend.
I smile today,because i finally saw it end,reflections of my past help to strengthen me within,my heart now open,my soul free of pain,the joy i bring to others keeps me dancing in the rain, these words i pen on paper are my truth and my gift,educating the difference i want to shatter the myth, no experience is too great to overcome,just believe,push forward,love often,and you'll get what you need,appreciate the small things,respect your body and mind, have hope for better and positivity you'll find, speaking as a witness completely at peace,remain focused on the sunshine and the breeze of relief,life's designed to be hard,struggle happens to the best,persevering though is life's true test.