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A Writer's Journal: Entry VI
I don't want to jinx anything but I've started writing chapter twelve of the fourth book. It's starting off shakey but hopefully by tomorrow I'll be in the hang of it again. I'm also really happy that I wrote a poem today as well. Writing poems, entering poetry competitions, they might mean something to most people but to someone suffering from writer's block/depression spell, it's one of the best things ever.
Writer's Block isn't just when you don't have the ability to write. It's when you don't have the ability to fathom writing, like your mind has been completely drained of any form of vocabulary, and everything you try writing it feels like you're trying to walk through quick sand only your feet are the words and the quick sand is your ability to narrate.
I can only hope to God that metaphor made as much sense as I could make it make sense. Then there's depression, depression for some people is the feeling of random bouts of sadness, regret or misery. For someone diagnose with major depression which I swear becomes manic at times as well it's different, much, much different.
Not saying that people that haven't bee consulted by a doctor don't get depressed, because I can only assume that everyone gets depressed. I like to believe that I am educated even without a high school diploma or a GED. I know that everyone feels sad, sadness is an emotion and everyone feels emotions. It's when sadness becomes diagnosed as a sickness that it becomes difficult. And why having a depression and being depressed are two very different things. I, have been diagnosed multiple times by several licensed therapists that are most outside of my own mind with major depression.
My depression usually just makes me want to sleep more, eat less, and not do anything. Depression coupled with writer's block, makes me want to not do anything that involves writing which means writing in a journal, a notebook, on the computer, this website-- Anything, especially my story that is kinda, sorta hard at the time that I'm trying to write it.
Another problem of mine recently is referring to my chapters one by one, as if the chapters are individual stories, which they're not and which I've sadly been delivering one at a time. It's bothersome and one of the things I want to deal with and take care of. I need to write more than one chapter and remember that these chapters are going to one day be represented as a whole story, somehow after so many tries I must've forgotten how to do that. Another thing is that I've noticed I don't like sitting alone in the bedroom anymore. Mostly because during the depression spell I would easily fall asleep in front of the laptop lying and promising myself that I'd finish whatever would-be chapter I had started at the time. The other I've been extremely lonely, and for some reason I enjoy sitting in the living room while writing, even as I write my journal entries. I enjoy the company of my son and boyfriend, it's probably bad for writing but it's something I'll probably have to break later or soon if I can finally get out of this writer's block slump for good. Wish me luck my dear writing journal because something's telling me that I am going to need it.
. . . .
Right! As I am to show that I also have extreme ADD and get off topic very easily, how I am a writer and how my poems ever make any sense, it's like Tootsie Roll Pops-- "The world may never know!"
Oh, that's a bad joke which means I'm getting back into my character's shoes, which makes me feel really, really good. The worst thing about writer's block is forgetting how your characters talk. Right writer's block, that's what I was originally talking about. When my depression is coupled with my writer's block, and I become uninterested in anything that involves writing. So instead I watch movies, I hang out with my boyfriend, I play video games, I listen to music, I download music I don't need, I read old stories, other stories, I take an entire day to finish a novel and then get mad because the novel I just finished reading is published and none of mine are. I do everything in my power to avoid writing or trying to write my story because it sounds boring and I feel as though I can't do it, meaning that I don't know what the hell I'm suppose to write and there's a freaking bell jar over my mind that's stifling my ability to think.
And yeah, that's how bad my writer's block is. I've actually never tried explaining it before, it's just there and it's frustrating and I usually just deal with it but now that I think about it, it feels good to get it off of my chest. Maybe now I can actually get over it, or at least I can hope so. I'll keep you posted journal on my progress with the story.
Hopefully there is going to be progress, because I really think now that I've started the chapter that I can actually do it this time around.
Wish me luck! :)
- Paige Rider
Writer's Block isn't just when you don't have the ability to write. It's when you don't have the ability to fathom writing, like your mind has been completely drained of any form of vocabulary, and everything you try writing it feels like you're trying to walk through quick sand only your feet are the words and the quick sand is your ability to narrate.
I can only hope to God that metaphor made as much sense as I could make it make sense. Then there's depression, depression for some people is the feeling of random bouts of sadness, regret or misery. For someone diagnose with major depression which I swear becomes manic at times as well it's different, much, much different.
Not saying that people that haven't bee consulted by a doctor don't get depressed, because I can only assume that everyone gets depressed. I like to believe that I am educated even without a high school diploma or a GED. I know that everyone feels sad, sadness is an emotion and everyone feels emotions. It's when sadness becomes diagnosed as a sickness that it becomes difficult. And why having a depression and being depressed are two very different things. I, have been diagnosed multiple times by several licensed therapists that are most outside of my own mind with major depression.
My depression usually just makes me want to sleep more, eat less, and not do anything. Depression coupled with writer's block, makes me want to not do anything that involves writing which means writing in a journal, a notebook, on the computer, this website-- Anything, especially my story that is kinda, sorta hard at the time that I'm trying to write it.
Another problem of mine recently is referring to my chapters one by one, as if the chapters are individual stories, which they're not and which I've sadly been delivering one at a time. It's bothersome and one of the things I want to deal with and take care of. I need to write more than one chapter and remember that these chapters are going to one day be represented as a whole story, somehow after so many tries I must've forgotten how to do that. Another thing is that I've noticed I don't like sitting alone in the bedroom anymore. Mostly because during the depression spell I would easily fall asleep in front of the laptop lying and promising myself that I'd finish whatever would-be chapter I had started at the time. The other I've been extremely lonely, and for some reason I enjoy sitting in the living room while writing, even as I write my journal entries. I enjoy the company of my son and boyfriend, it's probably bad for writing but it's something I'll probably have to break later or soon if I can finally get out of this writer's block slump for good. Wish me luck my dear writing journal because something's telling me that I am going to need it.
. . . .
Right! As I am to show that I also have extreme ADD and get off topic very easily, how I am a writer and how my poems ever make any sense, it's like Tootsie Roll Pops-- "The world may never know!"
Oh, that's a bad joke which means I'm getting back into my character's shoes, which makes me feel really, really good. The worst thing about writer's block is forgetting how your characters talk. Right writer's block, that's what I was originally talking about. When my depression is coupled with my writer's block, and I become uninterested in anything that involves writing. So instead I watch movies, I hang out with my boyfriend, I play video games, I listen to music, I download music I don't need, I read old stories, other stories, I take an entire day to finish a novel and then get mad because the novel I just finished reading is published and none of mine are. I do everything in my power to avoid writing or trying to write my story because it sounds boring and I feel as though I can't do it, meaning that I don't know what the hell I'm suppose to write and there's a freaking bell jar over my mind that's stifling my ability to think.
And yeah, that's how bad my writer's block is. I've actually never tried explaining it before, it's just there and it's frustrating and I usually just deal with it but now that I think about it, it feels good to get it off of my chest. Maybe now I can actually get over it, or at least I can hope so. I'll keep you posted journal on my progress with the story.
Hopefully there is going to be progress, because I really think now that I've started the chapter that I can actually do it this time around.
Wish me luck! :)
- Paige Rider
Published 25th May 2014
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