Think Happy Thought!

I’m in an addictive state of mind today.
And Yesterday for that matter.
I’m trying really hard to stay,
Out of that mindset today.
But when I close my eyes.
Instead of counting just by threes.
My eyes begin to wander,
On things that should mean nothing to me.
So until today passes.
I’ll shut my eyelids tight.
So that I’ll never have to burn.
At this stake i’ve sharpened myself.
That will cut me like a knife.

I am in an abusive mind set today.
And all week for that matter.
I’m trying really hard to say
Words that won’t matter
But since i’m at a constant state
Of abuse from their chatter
I will once again today
Sew my lips and speech away
But by then maybe i’ll be gay
because I’ve lost myself today.

I am in an desolate mindset today
And all month for that matter.
In sewing my mouth and shutting my eyes
I’ve lost my taste buds and my lies
But in this I feel peace
Or rather pieces of me dying
Because without my secretes
Well then who am I?
A painting with all the ugly gaps left blank.
Yes please look through me
I’m begging you to.
Please break my canvas
So I can start anew.

I am in a destructive mood today.
And all year for that matter.
I think i’ve finally gotten sick
Of the taste of my rotting lips
And since now they are all I taste
I feel as if I were a disgrace
But not because of how I feel
Those are the only parts that are real
But how ugly I look now
My father would not be proud
Of how I took his eyes and made them black
Well maybe thats his payback
For leaving me to the mercy of the wolves
That he once despised himself.
And now alone in this groove
I do not ever ask for help
Because why waste your time listening
When i’m more willing to listen to you.
Why waste a minute pretending
When i’ll probably still fall apart anyway
I just wish someone would help me
Untangle some of these stupid knots
That I might’ve created
With my unsharpened scissors and severed hand.
Yes maybe someday you’ll understand
That in these knots I’ve made
Are memories from giddy days
So when I say,
“Think Happy Thoughts”
I’m actually thinking please kill me.