deepundergroundpoetry.com
Pain
PAIN!!!
It creeps up on me in the middle of the night...
It leaves me to lay awake crying till the day time comes again...
It eats me from the inside out....
It just keeps burning inside of me....
PAIN!!!
It stays with me just so i don't forget...
So i don't forget what i saw or what i remember.......
PAIN
It is so great it makes me want to forget....
But yet it wont let me...
Is it because it is my fault............
Or is it just to torture me............
The pain is so great.
It feels like...
A knife......
A knife that is slowly, painfully, and tormentingly carving me....
Carving me while I watch everything....
Just watch it and I can to nothing about it.......
The knife just keeps on till im almost dead then it stops..
It stops just so i can heal........
Then it starts all over again.......
The pain just rips me apart...........
PAIN!!!!!!!!!!
I just want you to go away........
But yet i need you to stay so i dont forget...........
PAIN!!
It creeps up on me in the middle of the night...
It leaves me to lay awake crying till the day time comes again...
It eats me from the inside out....
It just keeps burning inside of me....
PAIN!!!
It stays with me just so i don't forget...
So i don't forget what i saw or what i remember.......
PAIN
It is so great it makes me want to forget....
But yet it wont let me...
Is it because it is my fault............
Or is it just to torture me............
The pain is so great.
It feels like...
A knife......
A knife that is slowly, painfully, and tormentingly carving me....
Carving me while I watch everything....
Just watch it and I can to nothing about it.......
The knife just keeps on till im almost dead then it stops..
It stops just so i can heal........
Then it starts all over again.......
The pain just rips me apart...........
PAIN!!!!!!!!!!
I just want you to go away........
But yet i need you to stay so i dont forget...........
PAIN!!
Published 21st Mar 2011
| Edited 22nd Mar 2011
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 5
reading list entries 2
comments 6
reads 947
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
21st Mar 2011 9:01am
...someone is going to click on this and say "I loved it, it's exactly how I feel", so good on you.
The spelling of torture needs to be corrected, and the word pain needs to be used more carefully...it's meaning is almost lost here because everyone is always crapping on about 'pain' in poems, so more description of 'the event' would be useful...so that we can imagine the 'pain' for ourselves and give it life...ya dig?
The spelling of torture needs to be corrected, and the word pain needs to be used more carefully...it's meaning is almost lost here because everyone is always crapping on about 'pain' in poems, so more description of 'the event' would be useful...so that we can imagine the 'pain' for ourselves and give it life...ya dig?
21st Mar 2011 12:15pm
sometimes pain becomes so intense that "it" becomes unbearable to speak of to describe and that is what I got from that . I do however; agree with pp that although you may not be able to speak of what the exact source of the pain is as sometimes it be too unbearable, to give hints into what the pain is would bring it more to life to the reader due to the fact that it is often used to describe a wide variety of feelings something done to you or something that you observed whether it be physical, emotional, betrayal etc... I also feel given that the title/subject is "Pain" that it can stand alone as it is because it can be left to each of the readers to feel their own source of pain as each one feels things differently. As I say this I want you to know that I was drawn into this poem from a recent event that kept me awake at night. So thank-you I do like it and did feel the knife so to speak.
22nd Mar 2011 2:49am
Thanks to all that commented on my poem.... I think i fixed all of my word problems.......... All of the comments are very appreciated............
23rd Mar 2011 6:42am
First off, i enjoy it, i really do. It's well written. The thing i would change is the amount of ellipses you use at the end of all your lines. It's a powerful tool when used sparingly. When it's used on every single line, it loses its punch. Also when you interject 'PAIN', use the same amount of exclamation points each time, it makes it look much more professional and planned. Good job overall though.
14th Apr 2011 4:59pm
16th Jun 2011 11:29am
I wrote similar poem to this one, year ago, and now, reading this has reminded me of my poem, and now, I think I will publish it... Love your work
