How bad my family relationships are.

 



Ah this is why I left for England. I feel my family restricting,suffocating,smothering, emotionally cold, don't understand me, show no care for how I feel ,don't give me time alone,give me negativity, make me feel guilty.  I feel so passive at home and not in control of my life.

There is negative patterns of behaviour in my family relationships. They make negative remarks and put me down/ are overly judgemental. I feel emotionally distant from them/ distant values wise.
Something as small  as forgetting to make  cup of tea sees me shot down as a failed human being.
My family make me feel bad, I go out ,they criticise me for it, and I want to be out again. I tell them openly personal things , it's used against me , I don't tell  them  much  ,and  I'm a bad person for  not talking much. It's a vicious circle. an unwinnable situation.

 Everyone I've spoken to agrees these ways of acting towards me ARE WRONG!

I find it embarrassing to be so open about my personal  shit but one- this is the FB age and two - I'm not wanting sympathy I need support from  others. I have for years felt closer to my friends than my family. If there's ever a reason I kill myself, that'll be why.

 I'm disappointed and tired of talking about it. It's consuming too much of my time. It makes me sad and my writing has been focused on it. I didn't come home to Scotland for this shit. I was doing well in England.  I thought it was agreed things would be better and for a time they were.

These arguments with my family are not one off bad days  but are more  explicit examples  of  problems which are more fundamental in how we relate to each other. my family  try to enforce love by controlling me  with guilt and  shame. They do not respect me-if I do something it's wrong. if I don't something it's wrong.They treat me like crap and whatever I do is wrong.

I'm made to feel guilty and passive for going out/having fun/needing time to myself. No wonder I struggle to relax or feel sad or have low self esteem.

 I'm made to feel confused, anxious, guilty, frustrated, isolated.

Whenever I open up to them it is later used  against  me  because of this I tell  them  little but that's used  against  me too.

 I'm made to feel guilty for going out. I'm made to feel guilty when I need time alone. Made guilty for my activism. Made to feel guilty anytime I don't do what they want when they want. If it's not that then it's little sly digs at my already low self esteem. Everything feels about control and about having the upper hand.I'm insulted in passive aggressive ways. I'm portrayed to myself in negative ways hence why I have low self esteem.

 I didn't have much self esteem problems in 2012.In 2012 I wasn't passive. I withdraw from my family because I feel insulted, the atmosphere feels hostile, I feel unwanted and always under attack. I feel uncomfortable.  I feel uncomfortable  like I'm shit. I'm passive for the same reasons. I feel like they want to take charge and feel like I'll be torn to pieces if I do things myself and fuck up. I flourished in the 3 years away, especially as a lodger throughout 2012. I enjoyed when I lived in England and only spoke to them once a month or every couple of weeks at minimum. Seemed best.

I've flourished this year (and last year ) under my own steam( inspite of them ) except in regards to jobs and my home situation  and my  family utterly despise it. I've seen a massive resurgence in my insecurities as unemployment and family tension has struck me a heavy blow to my self esteem. It didn't take me long to see that my insecurities stem primarily from my family.
My family situation has never been good but since I was 18 It's been really terrible and it was so bad when I was 19 that I upped and left suddenly to England. I was classified as a missing person by my parents for a little while, but it was absurd.

 As a friend said I don't need them and do better without them. It's sad to say it but it's true. Everyone wants to sort family stuff out and have a close family. Mine's never was close and I tried to sort it and for a time it was better but it collapsed fairly quickly. I can't even imagine what it'd be like to be close to my family. It makes me sad and angry it's not like that. I don't understand why not. But I've tried

I feel like I don't know who my family is anymore. Me leaving for England lifted the veil and it can't be put back. My mum deep down is as vindictive, spiteful, petty and hateful, as in 2009.

I left for England because they wouldn't let me see  my GF  i.e. forbid it and harassed me for 6 hours not letting me  leave and I had nowhere else to go . Not giving up  they dogged me, putting  me down as a missing person ,threatened to come to my hotel, threatened to kidnap  me ,  denounced me as scum of the earth etc. They made numerous unjustified allegations about other people and their families, so you'll forgive my panic and desire to leave.  

 I don't feel welcome at home. Hence why I try to stay out. I'm finding it frustrating and limiting compared to 2012 . I don't like not getting alone time.I have little time to myself and little space to myself. My nephew is over so much I get little of either and when I do I'm often made to feel guilty.
I don't like not having control over food.
I don't like not having independence or being responsible for myself.
My home isn't suited to me relaxing.  I have a right to go out. I have a right to time alone. I have a right to relax.



Problems in my family




1. We have radically different interests. Little to talk about. Telling them too much often backfires.
2.Having to walk the dog feels like a curfew. It's a tool of control. Feel controlled
3.They criticize my activities. criticize me for wanting time alone or for going out. makes me feel belittled, worthless etc.
4.I don't trust them enough to expose my emotions or tell them too much etc . When I have it backfires or they're indifferent.
5. I'm scared to introduce women I like, to them
6.not supportive of my views or much of my activities.
7.very different politics(My mum believes certain dress invites sexual harassment.  My mum asked me why I'm not "for mens rights".My mum opposes the uni strikes. She fat shames. I'm disappointed.  I thought I was imagining it but my family are rightwing/reactionary.  I was questioned by my sister about my interest in rape and "womens things".  She was speechless when I said I had always been a feminist. .)
8.I feel like a cash source.
9.feel excluded.an outsider.
10.Don't feel close to them. They're emotionally distant. Not enough Physical affection.
11.hold me back.
12. a Friend asked what have they done for you recently beyond a home. I couldn't give an answer.
13.felt happier living without them.

I don't have common ground with my family. Without common ground it's boring. My family are just hugely indifferent.  

Can't believe how much I've wrote about this :-

http://storyofchange2.blogspot.co.uk/search/label/Family

http://storyofchange2.blogspot.co.uk/2014/02/problems-in-my-family.html

http://storyofchange2.blogspot.co.uk/2013/11/my-family_11.html

http://storyofchange2.blogspot.co.uk/2014/04/family.html

http://storyofchange2.blogspot.co.uk/2014/02/talkin-to-myself.html

 

bad times and times with arguments

8 May 2014
18 April 2014
22 December 2013
13 November 2013
28 October 2013
26 October 2013
22 October 2013
23 September 2013
20 September 2013
18 September 2013
16 August 2013
30 July 2013
8 July 2013
4 May 2013
1 May 2013