Dear.....

 
Every experience in life is an experience one has an opportunity to gain knowledge from.  No matter how miniscule, or irrelevant it may at the moment it presents itself, it is something that one should file in the memory bank for future use.  I thank you for this.

You may find this ridiculous, perhaps even condescending, but I assure you it is in the purest form of sincerity.  I am me again.  I can breathe again.  I can see the vibrant colors in the world around me again, and I thank you for that.  One can't really learn to appreciate the little, finer things in life, unless they hit a point where they feel they will never get the chance.  That was a place you took me to, and I thank you for that.

It amazes me on how love can end so quickly, and be moved on from as if it were never there.  It's kind of like how snow on the ground leaves on a warm, sunny day.  You know it was there, you saw the magestic flakes dance from the heavens, you could physically touch it, you could taste it on your lips, and when you wake up the next morning, all you are left with are mud puddles in the grass on which once stood the iridescent candor of something magical.  I allowed myself to be consumed by the thought our "our" magic.  I lost myself molding into the thought of "our" magic.  I sacrficied myself in the thought of "our" magic.

Yet, I thank you for our special moments that you may think I don't think about, but will never forget.  I thank you for random walks around Chicago, just because you wanted memories to be ingrained in our brains.  I thank you for waking me up to the smell of burnt pancakes and laying with me while watching cartoons on a Sunday morning, and allowing me to lay on you half asleep while you held me.  I thank you for staying up all night just to call me at 12 A.M. on my birthday to ensure you were my first well wisher, and I thank you with all my heart.

I also thank you for the pain and infidelity and indiscretion you did to me, while I faithfully stayed at home, waiting for you to come home.  I thank you for the endless nights of tears I couldn't hold back after years of hurt.  I thank you for my midnight runs to Walgreens in order to secure my diet pills, laxatives, and Slim Fast so I could lose the 5 lbs you wanted me to so I wouldn't disgust you.  I thank you for having an excuse on why you couldn't be with me when I was miscarrying our baby and leaving the nurses to wipe the tears off my face as my legs were in stirrups feeling like I was less of a woman, and than learning you went to play basketball.  I genuinely mean it, because if it weren't for these experiences, I wouldn't have molded and created myself into the woman that now stands before you.

I thank myself at the same time I think of you.  I thank myself for ALLOWING myself to put my heart on the table, balls to the wall, 100% all or nothing when it came to the very essence of you.  I thank myself for sacrificing my friends, my family, and my happiness to always be there for you to help you advance yourself into the man you are today.  Without allowing myself to fully engulf the idea of us, I would have never been able to experience the beauty in the pain and self destruction I led myself on, to, in my mind, make you happy.

 I have no regrets in loving you.  Knowing what I know now, and given the opportunity to go back in time with this knowledge and re-do it the same way, I would do it again in a heartbeat, because our love wasn't just a physical or mental or emotional love, it was an experience.  It was a genuine life experience that people wait their entire lives to be involved in, and we were just lucky to do it at such a young age.

Being with you has made me stronger, a more independant woman, and wiser to reasoning behind everything revolving around love in life.  I will always be here for you, and I know deep in my heart, despite the shit you put me through, if I really needed you, you would be here for me.  One of the last thing you said to me, as my other half, my love, was that God had granted you a gem, a precious jewel, and instead of preserving it, you damaged it, you destroyed it, and you ruined it.  Those words repeat in my head constantly, and in a small way comfort me.  I am comforted in knowing you realize what I am and what I deserve.  It also shows me that you too have gained knowledge and perspective from our "special life experince", hopefully making you into a better man than you are today.  After all, the true point in gaining knowledge is to grow and to move yourself into a positive direction.

I wont lie and say your bitter words of me transforming myself don't hurt.  They cut through me like a hot knife to butter, but I understand.  The difference between you and me is I have had time to accept you with someone else, and you have not had the chance to swallow the fact that, I too, will be with someone else.  Or "someones".  I acknowledge and accept that fact.  The question is, do you?

I can say with every part of my heart, soul, and being that I wish nothing but greatness and success to you in anything you do, but I need the same respect back in knowing that my future mistakes are mine and mine alone.  And I look forward to them.  One day your words wont bother me.  They will trickle down my back smoothly and mean nothing, after all words are just words, only to mean something if you allow them.  Right now, they mean something.  Not a lot, but something.  My wall of concrete has been breaking since the day I became free, and now stands as a ruins of a masterpiece created to protect myself from the pain and hurt your words once caused.  While they flow off my back, every once in a while, they bounce of a jagged edge of the rock that was once my protection from them.  I feel it.  Sometimes it hurts.  Sometimes, it feels as light as a wisp of wind on a Spring day.  Regardless, it is something.

I forgave you a long time ago for the way things between us (and whoever) transpired.  All I ask is that you forgive me for moving on.  Endings always change, stories adapt differently, and no matter what happens, nothing in this lifetime will ever change my gratitude in spending a good chunk of my life with you.

Love,
your future regret, but adamanet friend