deepundergroundpoetry.com
Saline and Sand
A molecule of saline
laps a single grain of sand
only to repeat
what has once been scanned.
Every wave
the rise and fall
serving only to
solidify the thrall.
Entwined and entangled
a part of the lips
caressed tentatively
by delicate fingertips.
Eyes fixed
locked in gaze
breaking down reserve
inhibition frays.
Ecstasy culmination
having been fanned
from a molecule of saline
and a single grain of sand.
laps a single grain of sand
only to repeat
what has once been scanned.
Every wave
the rise and fall
serving only to
solidify the thrall.
Entwined and entangled
a part of the lips
caressed tentatively
by delicate fingertips.
Eyes fixed
locked in gaze
breaking down reserve
inhibition frays.
Ecstasy culmination
having been fanned
from a molecule of saline
and a single grain of sand.
Published 1st May 2014
| Edited 6th May 2014
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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comments 4
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The author encourages honest critique.
1st May 2014 1:11am
1st May 2014 3:03am
Anonymous
3rd May 2014 9:50am
Firstly, welcome to the DU. I hope you find all the help and support you need while you are here.
The poem has a kind of evolutionary feel to it. I like the idea that the elements of our entire existence came from molecules, basics, sand, soil, water. That's why this piece works well in the erotic category: it's primal, and elemental with seething language to draw us in.
On a constructive note, if you're going to have a 2/4 rhyme scheme throughout the poem, it falls apart in the first stanza with 'sand' and 'scan' which isn't a big issue, but it is a shame when the rest of the poem flows so well.
Thank you for the read.
The poem has a kind of evolutionary feel to it. I like the idea that the elements of our entire existence came from molecules, basics, sand, soil, water. That's why this piece works well in the erotic category: it's primal, and elemental with seething language to draw us in.
On a constructive note, if you're going to have a 2/4 rhyme scheme throughout the poem, it falls apart in the first stanza with 'sand' and 'scan' which isn't a big issue, but it is a shame when the rest of the poem flows so well.
Thank you for the read.
6th May 2014 3:48am
Thank you Missy! And thank you for the feedback. I totally see what you are saying. I will go back and look at that.
