Forever

Thank you so much, I really enjoyed writing this one!

Sensuous.  Favourite lines:

Lie me down, run your fingers down my breasts as you hover above...

Deeply caress my thighs with hungry hands of madness...

Read my mind, the innocence of my seduction thrills your intent to take what is yours...

Become my lover, let me feel the breathe of your delight upon my skin...

Slay my image of sexual intimacy and ravage my body with your lust...

I feel the throb of your heated passion and place it against my secret place...

Question of surity as you look into my eyes, I reply with no words pushing you deeply against my walls, setting your fury free...  

Freedom is given as our sexual barriers fold, orgasm times two and expelling of erection brings this journey of two final chapters to close...

Thank you

You asked for an honest critique, so I'm going to be brutally honest. I've done many critiques in the past so sometimes by directness can appear harsh, please do not take it that way. Overall, I like this poem and I think you have a really good start. It seems like a fantasy that you're fleshing out in your head and it always helps to have your poems come from a passionate place within you, which seems clear here.

You have a lot of ellipses which is a stylistic choice that I neither like or dislike but you may find that it turns some people off. If you find that others review this unfavorably, you may want to create 'pauses' in your poem in other ways.

This is a very sweet poem, although you go from 'sweet' to 'saucy' in the line beginning with "slay my image" and it sounds a little forced. The subject of the poem seems too innocent to say something like "slay my image" unless it's a girl making her first attempts to be 'sexy,' in which case I suggest making it clear that this was your intention. (Someone who would say "ravage my body" probably wouldn't say something as conservative as "my secret place.")

5th line: change "my" to "me."

line 9: change "breathe" to "breath"

There is an awkward change beginning with "Lie me down" part...you go from reflective to 'demanding,' which takes us from a description of the past to description of the present. I don't think this is inherently bad, but I'm not a fan of it here, it seems unintentional and it changes the feel of your poem, which jars me out of it a bit.

"The innocence of my seduction thrills your intent" is putting a first character into an omniscient narrator position which makes it awkward. Instead, try to *show* us that the other person is being thrilled and wants to take what is theirs.

The last line is awkward.  The part about two orgasms (is is that the narrator had two orgasms or that they each had one?) seems forced or informational, in an 'oh by the way' sort of way of wrapping it all up. If you're trying to say that both orgasmed at the same time, make that clear. If you're trying to say that the narrator had two orgasms, show that. "expelling of errection" doesn't sound too romantic or erotic, I suggest a different way of phrasing this.

I like the last line, especially where you say "he was my first and I am his last!"

Good job on this!

Thank you for your critique... It was intended to be two teens never had experienced the beauty of sex, but trying to live up to the idea of what they have been told it was...she becoming the seductive yet still innocent as a virgin, he also a virgin trying to be pleasing and reassuring not to move too fast...but thank you I will work harder on my attempts of this type of poetry :)

This was a great piece sweets!!
Sexy is your pen!!
Love the read!!!

Sir Lancelott

Thank you sir, you as a " seasoned" poet, I truly take that as a great compliment :)

Well that's your opinion...I happen to like my writings....but I Dont have time to debate this my nephew drowned in a pool yesterday so find drama some place else...