deepundergroundpoetry.com
Welcome To The Machine
New arrivals...
They enter anxious in distinct steps of uncertainty
Moving slow,
fear offering drag of submerged resistance
There is nothing quite like fresh blood to power the apparatus of a movement
Grind me a fleshy lullaby if you will
A veteran gazes upon the sight with sickly yellow sockets
Grotesque slimy tongue rainbows over dry cracked lips
Arrogance twisting the top of the mouth to a near cleft
Opposite schools of emotion quagulate thick in the air
One could try to cut the tension though the slashing void would replentish instantly
Panic of danger swells in the chest clustering out the transit of the nervious system
Dread is solid and pliable though not one dares reach out
It festers in your bowels with toxic design
Living as a razor blade organism thriving underneath your toes
Always keep your back against a wall
Because you my friend are soft pink and delicious
Get caught in the wrong position and feel yourself become a morsel
The gloaming of the first night
Completly consumes the virtue of vision
You feel around for anything devoid of dullness to rasp open a vein
Pray you do not succeed...
This is paltry compared to horrors that snake the levels below
Published 16th Mar 2011
| Edited 28th Mar 2011
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Anonymous
16th Mar 2011 7:35am
this poem has a lot of emotional impact, but i feel like you could make it more impactful with the placement of certain adjectives. For example, the second line, "They enter in distinct anxious steps of uncertainty", the "distinct anxious" modifiers, I feel, could be more impactful if split up, like "They enter anxiously in distinct steps of uncertainty," or, "They enter distinctly in steps of uncertainty, anxious."
I don't know if that makes sense.
Your adjectives and verbs are very vivid. The middle of the poem, I feel, is lacking the energy that the beginning promises and the end finishes with.
"This is paltry compared to horrors that snake the levels below"
This in itself is a great line.
Enjoyed the read, my friend.
I don't know if that makes sense.
Your adjectives and verbs are very vivid. The middle of the poem, I feel, is lacking the energy that the beginning promises and the end finishes with.
"This is paltry compared to horrors that snake the levels below"
This in itself is a great line.
Enjoyed the read, my friend.
Thanks for insightful feedback, I refined it on the merit of the suggestions and i like it better now :)
16th Mar 2011 8:18am
one to make the heart beat strongly and fear what cannot be seen.
one which takes you there
one which takes you there
