Second Time Around

When I had my first love
I dreamed up our future within two weeks
Married with two kids by 25
We would live together and live
 off love and hugs
beneath e.t. tress
and he would eventually love me
even as he told me I was on  
  the
     path
         to
           HELL.
Because love solves
But then love leaves
I didn't know that was possible
That one day you can hold his hand
and the next you can't
and you grow cynical
touch loses meaning
the big V becomes a piece of trash
you throw at random men to feel something
as you stroke their hair
knowing you will never do so again
and then
   love pops up again
But it is different now
a stranger you cautiously shake hands with
Broken hearts unsure of boundaries
they never had when free of pasts
and the dreams are pushed away
Marriage? How can you dream past one day?
When it could end again in one second
and it's a list of pros and cons
Pro: you hold onto every second
Con: you are aware of its possible emptiness
Pro: To finally grasp this deepness
Con: Pasts that make you afraid to speak
Deepness makes men run
keep it shallow, safe, surface level "like"
causes much less pain then
the stuttered "I love him"
ringing through your mind
when you look into his eyes
love could be fleeting
or it could last till your 50
drinking Tobin James
while complaining about our days
You won't know
Not tomorrow
Not in 5 years
Every second is one more that
   Could
      Slip away...
Like that breath of air
tantalizing your hopes
to just drop into stillness
How could I pick up this soft hope
When the word forever
brings 'impossibility' straight to the surface
like a rock flying up to hit me
in the heart
sticks and stones will break my bones
Forever makes my heart stop
paralyzing fear
that each second loving him
is a year of missing him
each moment a memory
when we turn back into strangers
and I can't go turn on his shower
bend into downward dog
and let him enter me
like he belongs there
I want to glue the tip of him
to the deepest part inside me
so he'll stay forever and
I'll be safe, sure he'll never
leave and I can just love
without fear
every time I orgasm with him...
It is not the orgasm of a stranger
it is a warmth of two being one
and fuck yeah that's cheesy
I'm cheesy now
I want to call him baby
and say the word cuddle
and tell way too may stories
with the word 'boyfriend'
in every sentence
like if I say it enough times
It will be labeled onto his chest
in something like... tattoo
because permanent marker is a test of true permability
and he will never be a test
I want to think about forever
I WANT TO THINK ABOUT FOREVER
I want to live with him
and say I love you
and marry him
and hold his hand when
I can barely remember to lock my house
just like I forget to lock his car door
I want to live in a world where forever
does not make me back away
Sarah Kay said to open your arms
let in everything
the pain
the suffering
every piece of fucking
hatred
  fear
    hurt
to catch that ounce of pure
      pleasure
that you will lose
if you takes our hands away
I want to hold out my hands
and catch it all