Hello my name is michelle...........

Break my window, climb inside
Unconscious, unwashed skin and bones
My cage lies on the floor
Trapping chaos, numbness mixed with...... "beeeeep"
Is that noise my heart stopping?
or did someone put the phone down on me again?
Pieces of me have been falling away
I never said a word
But now I can't speak and i don't need to
You see me, see my disgustingness,
I can't hide, my legs don't work anymore
Blackout misery for all but me,
I don't recall much of my insanity,
crushing up pills,
Downing wine like a water bottle for comfort

"do you drink in the morning?" hahaha!!!

There is no morning!
day night, days, weeks, months
its all the same time
Don't "want" to die ....... I just don't care
I just don't want to feel
don't want to be me anymore
I just exist from second to second,
Hunting, snorting, smoking
I have an emergency............to drink

Is it the pain to fix the pain?
Is it the poison to fix the poison?

Baby belly sucked away, awake and broken, it hurt in every way!
Rehab fixing was just a "break"

My last 24 hours of destruction gave me a choice
Death now or a slow death
or go through a pain that felt like death
with no guaranteed outcome

3 days and nights
shaking, puking, itching, crying,
My mattress on the wooden floor soaked,
My mind, the noise of scratched vynl v chainsaw
night was day and day was time for killing the fucking birds
how dare they fucking sing!

I can't even hold a glass of water or roll a smoke
something/someone help me
"fucking help me"!!!!
They say desperation is a gift
well it feels like deathperation
but I have no choice now

not enough oxygen in the air
no matter how deep and fast i breathe
I wanna punch my own face
I wanna scream till my throat burns
I want to feel peace for just a second so I can close my eyes

Fragment by fragment Like tiny shards of glass
Reality came back
And it hurt every day even more
no more passive ignorance
overwhelmed truths and work ahead
insanity taming, sludge trudging

Days became days
Nights became nights
learning to talk and walk and listen
"keep coming back"
How about i never leave?

Hi my name is Michelle and I am an addict and an alcoholic and I have been clean/sober.......abstinence, since September 15th 2012
1 year 6 months 5 day
551 days
13247 hours
794855 minutes
47691360 seconds
And counting!