deepundergroundpoetry.com
FRIENDLY
Post rush hour Baker Street Station
Bench beneath the underground sign
Looking through the window Eastward
I could see you in the carriage Westward
Your dead son was my brother-in-arms
Standing Stag 4A.M. Brecon Beacon
SUSAT sights frozen snow
When the cross bolt safety is off
The fire selector lever of the SA80
Allows semi and full automatic fire
You sneezed and breathed
And under my breath
I said “Bless you”.
(submitted for Mr.A's Distance Yourself comp)
Bench beneath the underground sign
Looking through the window Eastward
I could see you in the carriage Westward
Your dead son was my brother-in-arms
Standing Stag 4A.M. Brecon Beacon
SUSAT sights frozen snow
When the cross bolt safety is off
The fire selector lever of the SA80
Allows semi and full automatic fire
You sneezed and breathed
And under my breath
I said “Bless you”.
(submitted for Mr.A's Distance Yourself comp)
Published 24th Feb 2014
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 10
reading list entries 1
comments 18
reads 943
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
24th Feb 2014 9:11am
'friendly fire': worst possible way to perish in combat. your title brings that to mind...
24th Feb 2014 10:10am
Thanks JF - absolutely and worse still when there's no combat and your own home turf... Thanks for stopping by very much appreciated
24th Feb 2014 10:00am
whale, I first read this piece in the comp, it's a cracking poem! You've achieved a nice bit of tension in this compact piece and the last stanza delivers the climax with style.
This comp is deceptively challenging. I must point out you've used an adjective in the second stanza with the word "freezing." Plenty of time left to reword the line.
All the best in the comp.
This comp is deceptively challenging. I must point out you've used an adjective in the second stanza with the word "freezing." Plenty of time left to reword the line.
All the best in the comp.
24th Feb 2014 10:11am
24th Feb 2014 10:41am
24th Feb 2014 10:52am
Smiling! What fantastic encouragement - you'd definitely still be a rose by any other name
24th Feb 2014 12:38pm
Ah, war games with paintball bullets ... ;) Never tried them but the guns that they use are as real as the real thing ... Fun read, whale! :)
24th Feb 2014 1:02pm
SA80s not for paintball but we used the Brecon Beacon for games - so half right - appreciate the stimulating comment
24th Feb 2014 1:34pm
Learn something everyday! What will they think of next :)
And of course good luck in the competition Absinthe...
And of course good luck in the competition Absinthe...
24th Feb 2014 1:18pm
24th Feb 2014 1:55pm
27th Feb 2014 3:37pm
27th Feb 2014 8:36pm
27th Feb 2014 4:05pm
i love the tension you've created here whale. best of luck in the comp! this is kick ass poetry.
27th Feb 2014 8:37pm
28th Feb 2014 1:13pm
I love this poem. The Brecon Beacon's is one of my favourite places, not far from me. I spent the night on Black Mountain once to watch the eclipse and stayed many nights there when younger.
Great writing Whale.
Great writing Whale.
28th Feb 2014 9:04pm
Really been enjoying your poetry so its great that you've added this to your reading list:)
