Biggest Mistake

In my heart I knew I never deserved you..  
so in my mind I knew I’d never desert you,  
but although I knew this from my brain to my heart,  
from the start while apart all I ever did was hurt you…  
 
so now I feel as though all that love is being lypo’d  
and my mom keeps trying to tell me sometimes that's just how life goes,  
I guess that whole word “forever” was a typo,  
I mean shit, I know karmas never been a nice hoe,
 
but there were things that I could change…  
like the times that you called but I said it never rang,  
or how I knew you wanted me there but I hardly came  
and the times that we f*** and I ducked once I came, damn,  
 
talk about mistakes made,  
I was so busy dreaming about our life, the white picket fence and a daughter in the first grade  
that I lost sight of what I fell in loved with in the first place.
 
Which makes it pretty clear that my biggest mistake, was to ever fall in love with you in the first place…
 
See if I had never fallen in love with you, then my mind wouldn’t be continually Strolling, through an alternate reality, where times Frozen, I’m Blindfolded and the voice of every woman, everywhere, every second all around me makes me indecisive about my Emotions, towards the entrapment of my eyes being Closed And, because I Know Then, that if I remove this mystical restriction that’s infused with my heartbroken vision, every woman, everywhere, every second all around me, (despite their height, weight, hair color or Demeanor) would Seem to change to some opaque and although degraded alternation of you.
 
If I had never fallen in love with you, then my cell phones text tone wouldn’t make me want to explode, every time that I hear it because every memory of every sms relayed between those invisible phone lines, that connected two different brands, from two different companies, in two different cites , with two billion different messages, to two totally different people, continually connect us two to each other, and I can’t change it because everytime I try to my thumbs go into a coma… God it’s annoying…
 
If I had never fallen in love with you then everytime a post shows up from you on my social media feeds my hands wouldn’t start shaking, because my mind and my body begin battle over whether I should click on that small square box that has a newly updated profile picture of you, but I cant really see what it is too clearly, and I know if I clicked on it I could blow it up on your home page, but then that would defeat the purpose of not being in contact, and being on your page would bring in such a rush of old emotions, that would inevitably send this healing process all the way back to square one, so instead, I decide to squint my eyes and stare at the little fucking image for 40 mins hoping that if I stare long enough it will magically become bigger, and you’ll become bigger, and my emotions will become bigger and every woman everywhere every second all around me wouldn’t even matter anymore..
 
So the only thing on my wishlist, is that I never made my biggest mistake…