deepundergroundpoetry.com
Cannisters
I find more poetry in silence.
Anger, sadness, joy, fear.
To convey these is to tease you
out of your dearest emotions.
The Hooded Clerics of Old seldom speak of it
you won't find it in poetry, in prose.
It's found sprawled across a sidewalk
covered in shattered glass, vomit and spit
it emits grog.
It sits, decaying in the streets of Los Angeles
dying of diseases, deprived of its poisonous addictions.
It lays in a coffin, six feet deep.
It rests in submerged wreckages of the pacific.
It fed the greens of France,
nutrients belonging to warriors of old.
You, what gives you the means to speak?
Stand foremost.
Speak, seldom - if ever.
Illustrously shining
the silver platter to your humanity.
Take it back and finish it.
Even the hardest of Men hold it back.
Take pursuit in sacrifice,
destroy life.
create life.
Kill
and be killed.
I belong to the Dead.
Anger, sadness, joy, fear.
To convey these is to tease you
out of your dearest emotions.
The Hooded Clerics of Old seldom speak of it
you won't find it in poetry, in prose.
It's found sprawled across a sidewalk
covered in shattered glass, vomit and spit
it emits grog.
It sits, decaying in the streets of Los Angeles
dying of diseases, deprived of its poisonous addictions.
It lays in a coffin, six feet deep.
It rests in submerged wreckages of the pacific.
It fed the greens of France,
nutrients belonging to warriors of old.
You, what gives you the means to speak?
Stand foremost.
Speak, seldom - if ever.
Illustrously shining
the silver platter to your humanity.
Take it back and finish it.
Even the hardest of Men hold it back.
Take pursuit in sacrifice,
destroy life.
create life.
Kill
and be killed.
I belong to the Dead.
Published 23rd Jan 2014
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23rd Jan 2014 5:41pm
Anonymous
- Edited 23rd Jan 2014 6:09pm
23rd Jan 2014 6:08pm
I dig this poem a lot, which is why I'm going to make the following suggestions.
May I suggest "it emits grog" should go on a line by itself, only because it flows better as a line on its own rather than "vomit and spit it emits grog".
Also the last stanza. Now, I am the worlds worst over punctuation use queen, but I've really been trying to work on that recently. May I suggest the following edit:
"Even the hardest of Men hold it back.
Take pursuit in sacrifice
destroy life
create life
kill
and be killed.
I belong to the dead."
Throughout the poem there does seem to be quite a substantial amount of full stops, I really think it would benefit this piece if some of them were removed. There are some killer lines in here: The hooded clerics of old, the decaying streets of Los Angeles, the silver platter to your humanity (should this be of your humanity?)
The personal touch to this poem, especially as it's in the self category is what makes this piece so appealing. Shows an unseen side to you, and may I say without being offensive, a great level of maturity in writing terms.
Thank you for the read.
May I suggest "it emits grog" should go on a line by itself, only because it flows better as a line on its own rather than "vomit and spit it emits grog".
Also the last stanza. Now, I am the worlds worst over punctuation use queen, but I've really been trying to work on that recently. May I suggest the following edit:
"Even the hardest of Men hold it back.
Take pursuit in sacrifice
destroy life
create life
kill
and be killed.
I belong to the dead."
Throughout the poem there does seem to be quite a substantial amount of full stops, I really think it would benefit this piece if some of them were removed. There are some killer lines in here: The hooded clerics of old, the decaying streets of Los Angeles, the silver platter to your humanity (should this be of your humanity?)
The personal touch to this poem, especially as it's in the self category is what makes this piece so appealing. Shows an unseen side to you, and may I say without being offensive, a great level of maturity in writing terms.
Thank you for the read.
Anonymous
23rd Jan 2014 8:38pm
The first four stanzas (ending in "warriors of old") are almost perfect. The allusions to vague, ancient wisdom in S3 and the various thumbnail landscapes in S4 are very Bukowski-esque. The other half of the poem, however, is less effective. It's too didactic and unsubtle. The poem would be great if it consisted of just those first four stanzas, which represent some of your best work.
