deepundergroundpoetry.com
Green Eyed Love
I stand here,
with so many things I want to say
[I've been so silly, I think I care, compliments feel amazing, amongst other things that tie all this into poetry]
but I don't know where to start
[I've been so jealous]
so the letters fall like piss
[yellow and pointless, something with an everyday originality]
and the commas and full stops like white powder from a druggies nose
[clouding every word so they sl-sl-slur...]
and the pen drops like an empty bottle...
[and my eyes shut on these brilliant ideas that stay confined in my brain]
I hope everyday damages you
the way you damage my words.
with so many things I want to say
[I've been so silly, I think I care, compliments feel amazing, amongst other things that tie all this into poetry]
but I don't know where to start
[I've been so jealous]
so the letters fall like piss
[yellow and pointless, something with an everyday originality]
and the commas and full stops like white powder from a druggies nose
[clouding every word so they sl-sl-slur...]
and the pen drops like an empty bottle...
[and my eyes shut on these brilliant ideas that stay confined in my brain]
I hope everyday damages you
the way you damage my words.
Published 15th Feb 2011
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 3
reading list entries 1
comments 12
reads 1006
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
Anonymous
- Edited 15th Feb 2011 10:14pm
15th Feb 2011 10:11pm
This is so beautifully deep, while at once bristling with overt feeling.
Great style to it...
S
(I think I need to free up some room on my RL for this one!)
Great style to it...
S
(I think I need to free up some room on my RL for this one!)
15th Feb 2011 10:15pm
16th Feb 2011 2:37am
You have been a literary machine as of late! And with quality works, too. Great job on this one, LA! The last two lines are a perfect end to this work and I love the asides. The way you pull them off with italics and bolding is a very intelligent trick.
16th Feb 2011 2:42am
Thank you, PTM! I'm glad you're liking it...I may have fumbled back into rhyming today but I'm glad most of the time I'm ticking the right boxes. Thank you!
17th Feb 2011 10:12pm
23rd Feb 2011 12:49pm
18th Feb 2011 8:56am
18th Feb 2011 11:07am
is what i'm thinking. i personally liked the original without the asides, except for here:
"and the pen drops like an empty bottle...
[and my eyes shut on these brilliant ideas that stay confined in my brain]" - that's amazing.
good show, Poppy luv, i should have commented before. [:
"and the pen drops like an empty bottle...
[and my eyes shut on these brilliant ideas that stay confined in my brain]" - that's amazing.
good show, Poppy luv, i should have commented before. [:
18th Feb 2011 11:07am
Thank you, I think it just needed a good, ol' fashioned bit of sass :D
18th Feb 2011 9:58am
18th Feb 2011 11:08am
