deepundergroundpoetry.com
Revolution
The clock's hand crawls around in circle
The streets, the cars, grey mundane life
Bells chime on the hour, day and night
Bars with broken lives and recycled talk
The streets, the cars, grey mundane life
Obscured screens, smoked filled dreams
Bars with broken lives and recycled talk
The world drowns in murky revelations
Obscured screens, smoked filled dreams
Cruel hands rip innocence at seams
The world drowns in murky revelations
A breath escaped marks less than zero
Cruel hands rip innocence at seams
The clock's hand crawls around in circle
A breath escaped marks less than zero
The bell strikes rage, churning a revolution
Poem written as a pantoum for comp 4x4, with topic "revolution",
because a revolution, in this case is a cycle and a pantoum
could be written as a cyclic movement, as I do here
Published 15th Jan 2014
| Edited 16th Jan 2014
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The author encourages honest critique.
16th Jan 2014 1:35am
Really dirty imagery, definitely sparking the revolution. I really liked the line "the bell strikes rage, churning a revolution".
16th Jan 2014 1:38pm
16th Jan 2014 6:32am
Malin this is wonderful! I love the language and images you've used here, tres belle!!
best of luck in the competition.
best of luck in the competition.
16th Jan 2014 1:39pm
16th Jan 2014 12:35pm
Excellent concept and form! I am so intrigued by the pantoum too, but just too hard-headed to try it (or any inherited form) ...
But this piece of yours, malin, instead of reading as sentences or lines, I read word per word - each word makes up the general feeling of the poem (cycles, revolutions, changes, speed...).
But this piece of yours, malin, instead of reading as sentences or lines, I read word per word - each word makes up the general feeling of the poem (cycles, revolutions, changes, speed...).
16th Jan 2014 1:42pm
This is probably one of the most hard way to write a poem, but you know that I like to write in constraint frame! Just I don't have made rhymes and equal length of verses! Too hard.
But I love this concept, because in my mind, I find musically with this form.
But I love this concept, because in my mind, I find musically with this form.
17th Jan 2014 3:29am
But you have done this so well! I have been looking at the pantoum last year and wanted to try it. I did not like the examples. But your use of the pantoum here gives me a better idea - and I think it works very well, maybe it will work for me too if I try it.
The music in its form is an excellent description. I imagine the music (when I read) to be very syncopated. I like writing poems in syncopated, staccato ways. So that is why I feel close to the way you use the pantoum here. Thank you for the inspiration, malin!
The music in its form is an excellent description. I imagine the music (when I read) to be very syncopated. I like writing poems in syncopated, staccato ways. So that is why I feel close to the way you use the pantoum here. Thank you for the inspiration, malin!
17th Jan 2014 9:55am
Thank you so much for this comment, absinthe, I like it.
Yes, I find this form very musically, and I am proud to use it, because for me, poetry and songs must be very close! I have always in my mind, the lieder by Franz Schubert "der Erlkönig", based on a poem by Goethe. I have learnt the poem in German lessons and heard the lieder by Dietrich Fisher-Diskau, very beautiful and terribly sad! For me, music and poetry are mixed! And a poem must have it own music if you want to add music to... (hope to be clear in my explanation).
Yes, I find this form very musically, and I am proud to use it, because for me, poetry and songs must be very close! I have always in my mind, the lieder by Franz Schubert "der Erlkönig", based on a poem by Goethe. I have learnt the poem in German lessons and heard the lieder by Dietrich Fisher-Diskau, very beautiful and terribly sad! For me, music and poetry are mixed! And a poem must have it own music if you want to add music to... (hope to be clear in my explanation).
