deepundergroundpoetry.com
The Purest
The purest snow
Cannot be found
Hidden amongst
This desert ground
Memories haunt
With utmost desire
Climaxing winds
Cooled down by fire
Grains of sand
Fall through my hands..
Each memory
Weighs heavy
In the thickest smoke
Burrowed down
We've buried
Everything.
Cannot be found
Hidden amongst
This desert ground
Memories haunt
With utmost desire
Climaxing winds
Cooled down by fire
Grains of sand
Fall through my hands..
Each memory
Weighs heavy
In the thickest smoke
Burrowed down
We've buried
Everything.
Published 13th Jan 2014
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
16th Mar 2014 7:44am
You work very well with rhythm. And the way you change the rhythm here after "Grains of sand" is exceptional.
uhh...I would like to say something about the end of the second stanza though..."Cooled down by fire"--"Cooled down"?--It fits the rhythm well enough, but it--in my opinion--doesn't seem to fit in with the tone of the poem. Even if you just took out "down," and let the word "Cooled" be really annunciated in the reader's mind, that might better fit the bill.
uhh...I would like to say something about the end of the second stanza though..."Cooled down by fire"--"Cooled down"?--It fits the rhythm well enough, but it--in my opinion--doesn't seem to fit in with the tone of the poem. Even if you just took out "down," and let the word "Cooled" be really annunciated in the reader's mind, that might better fit the bill.
