Before I Pull The Trigger

I sometimes want to kill myself
put my finger on the trigger
see even though the ancient word nigger meant king
I was feeling like the 50's version
ignorant as all to be damned
I just want to end it all when I think back on some things
wonder will a bullet blast away memories as well
wondering can gunsmoke and a leftover shell hide my story
see I think of what would happen if I removed myself from Earth
I ran away from some things when I should've ran towards them
I could careless bout my material possessions
I could careless about the many trips
I could careless about any of that ****
I look at a pistol not as a gun
but as an escape
I want to punish myself for mistakes
some not that big
others that I carry every day
knowing that I made the situation that way
see grown people fess up to their f*** ups
Im just wondering will I wake up to gold or brimstone
once this bullet is lodged in my skull
maybe suicide is a beginning to a new life
maybe it can bring back your old life
just on a new accord
I dont know
I guess I'll find out when I pull the trigger
so in case this is my last piece
goodbye world