deepundergroundpoetry.com
Dismissed
My bedroom:
the abode of a well worshipped goddess
swathed in creme colour
and gold decor -
it was no great feat to enslave
your mind in its entirety.
you really didn't have much chance.
you lie on the bed
as I roost at the peak:
yes, that petty pretension
of your person
where, on command
your tongue sloppily burrows
into which holes you dare.
[you're such a pussy.]
an embellished mirror
next to My canopied bed
ensures that somewhere
in parallel dimension
another Me is enjoying Herself immensely
and I, now, absorbing sensations
watch My graceful curves rise glorious
to sink back into your gaping mouth
shivering
in My own obsession.
your brain bobs attentive
but he's not My type
and I'm not
in the business
of bestowing satisfaction.
clever boy-
you can decipher this glaring perfection.
but, you think I'm the angel
that fell just for you,
just for tonight.
I'm not here for you.
the abode of a well worshipped goddess
swathed in creme colour
and gold decor -
it was no great feat to enslave
your mind in its entirety.
you really didn't have much chance.
you lie on the bed
as I roost at the peak:
yes, that petty pretension
of your person
where, on command
your tongue sloppily burrows
into which holes you dare.
[you're such a pussy.]
an embellished mirror
next to My canopied bed
ensures that somewhere
in parallel dimension
another Me is enjoying Herself immensely
and I, now, absorbing sensations
watch My graceful curves rise glorious
to sink back into your gaping mouth
shivering
in My own obsession.
your brain bobs attentive
but he's not My type
and I'm not
in the business
of bestowing satisfaction.
clever boy-
you can decipher this glaring perfection.
but, you think I'm the angel
that fell just for you,
just for tonight.
I'm not here for you.
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likes 9
reading list entries 4
comments 37
reads 1470
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
wow
this is awesome,babe! ...it's playful at the same time very classy! the style feels so ancient, like the romanticism era... Love it! :)
2
re: wow
thank you! i was hoping it would come off as more self-absorbed and debasing....mean and somewhat symbolic, but it's good to see others may have a different view on the product than i did writing it! i may have to rethink as i threw it together today. glad you like it though! [:
re: re: wow
2nd Feb 2011 12:57pm
re: re: re: wow
nap
2nd Feb 2011 5:38pm
LA
2nd Feb 2011 6:06pm
Ooooh....Look at that little ego Jestalessa! You narcissist you! Love it! Fabulous as always, you never fail to amaze, dear. =]
1
re: LA
2nd Feb 2011 7:05pm
Haha! best comment! it's not ME, LA, it's my terrible twin. i don't associate myself with her. [:
re: re: LA
2nd Feb 2011 7:07pm
Oh, of course my dear but it's still a brilliant little piece with far too much insight into a wicked mind :D
1
Yes..
Anonymous
2nd Feb 2011 6:43pm
Brilliantly self absorbed and - indeed, selfish.
I absolutely adore the final verse.
'kudos'
S
I absolutely adore the final verse.
'kudos'
S
1
re: Yes..
2nd Feb 2011 7:07pm
thank you! Abra always has another head to get inside of and makes it live; i was having a go at that view. I'm quite fond of that last verse too, so thanks. [:
*Whewwwww*
2nd Feb 2011 10:12pm
Wow.
Just.... WOW.
I cannot begin to describe how fucking sexy this is!!! Especially with your earlier response of "i was hoping it would come off as more self-absorbed and debasing." Spot on and sooooo... good. PTM approves. Now if you'll excuse me I have to take care of something.
Just.... WOW.
I cannot begin to describe how fucking sexy this is!!! Especially with your earlier response of "i was hoping it would come off as more self-absorbed and debasing." Spot on and sooooo... good. PTM approves. Now if you'll excuse me I have to take care of something.
1
re: *Whewwwww*
2nd Feb 2011 10:22pm
woo, what a reaction! i did not expect that. thank you. just...thank you. :D
re: re: *Whewwwww*
3rd Feb 2011 1:41pm
Another read, another uncomfortable sitting position. :)
But I have one recommendation that might help the impact of this one. The last two lines. Try making them one line and separating it from the stanza above. I think it will have a stronger feel and this piece is all about strength. Thanks again for this, jacki.
But I have one recommendation that might help the impact of this one. The last two lines. Try making them one line and separating it from the stanza above. I think it will have a stronger feel and this piece is all about strength. Thanks again for this, jacki.
1
re: re: re: *Whewwwww*
3rd Feb 2011 1:45pm
you're right, i had thought of separating it for impact but i got carried away with the shape...oddly. haha, so done aaand done. thanks, PTM. [:
Ok ok...
2nd Feb 2011 10:21pm
...we'll all go quietly :-)
Strong words, strong work...sexy as a god-damn, with brains written all over it...lovin' your work :-)
(marvellous barb in the last stanza)
Strong words, strong work...sexy as a god-damn, with brains written all over it...lovin' your work :-)
(marvellous barb in the last stanza)
1
re: Ok ok...
2nd Feb 2011 10:26pm
i really didn't expect this response at all! making my night, boys.
(yeh, i like that stanza.) [:
(yeh, i like that stanza.) [:
Dismissed!
3rd Feb 2011 1:33am
Ha! I love this~and I think this queenly persona lives in all of us women. You've done her justice, Jacki. Nice piece!
2
re: Dismissed!
thank you, Lauren! i had hoped the girls would like this, and i got a pleasant reaction from the boys too, so i'm happy. [:
so
ya got the number of that evil twin?
i mean, no matter how you rub it, pussy's pussy;
and worshiping at the foot of the Goddess,
kissing all Her lips,
one by one,
ain't a bad religion at all.
i mean, no matter how you rub it, pussy's pussy;
and worshiping at the foot of the Goddess,
kissing all Her lips,
one by one,
ain't a bad religion at all.
1
re: so
ray, i'm so glad you think so.
her job is a lot easier, less rebellious subjects.
her job is a lot easier, less rebellious subjects.
re: forget it dude
8th Feb 2011 9:38am
Cruel...
8th Feb 2011 9:49am
She thinks she has it all.
"My bedroom:
the abode of a well worshipped goddess,
swathed in creme colour
and gold decor -
it was no great feat to enslave
your mind in its entirety.
you really didn't have much chance"
The persona did not give a damn about the young man who was busy trying to please her
"...your tongue sloppily burrows
into which holes you dare.
[you're such a pussy.] "
"I'm not here for you."
Whatever happened to true love and compassion! I should have gotten it all from the title.
Jestelessa's artistry, however does not go without a word of commendation from me. I felt pity for the boy and some how I wished I was in his place to put meaning into the whole episode.
"My bedroom:
the abode of a well worshipped goddess,
swathed in creme colour
and gold decor -
it was no great feat to enslave
your mind in its entirety.
you really didn't have much chance"
The persona did not give a damn about the young man who was busy trying to please her
"...your tongue sloppily burrows
into which holes you dare.
[you're such a pussy.] "
"I'm not here for you."
Whatever happened to true love and compassion! I should have gotten it all from the title.
Jestelessa's artistry, however does not go without a word of commendation from me. I felt pity for the boy and some how I wished I was in his place to put meaning into the whole episode.
1
re: Cruel...
Glad someone commented on that. This is the response I was expecting. Thank you, Divine, it's a pleasure to have your thoughtful reading of the work, and I appreciate the feedback. [:
comment
18th Feb 2011 7:13pm
your tongue sloppily burrows
into which holes you dare.
[you're such a pussy.]
I love that! And i can think of a dozen guys who fit that description perfectly. Can't we all? ;)
into which holes you dare.
[you're such a pussy.]
I love that! And i can think of a dozen guys who fit that description perfectly. Can't we all? ;)
1
re: comment
18th Feb 2011 7:17pm
very impressive
1st Mar 2011 9:26am
masterful I would say. Spocken from the perch of a true seductress with enough visceral touch to provide a jolt to the senses
1
aMbivalence
31st Mar 2011 11:57pm
I am slow to join this adoration of Jestalessa, but this is a fantastically sexy poem, Jacki.
Your twin has reeled me in. Wanting to be on the canopied bed, mirrors all around, her roosting.
And yet know, from title and subtext, that is a very bad place to be.
Feeling (amongst other things ;) ) aMbivalent!
Very sexy and worth a third read!!
Thank you
Your twin has reeled me in. Wanting to be on the canopied bed, mirrors all around, her roosting.
And yet know, from title and subtext, that is a very bad place to be.
Feeling (amongst other things ;) ) aMbivalent!
Very sexy and worth a third read!!
Thank you
1
re: aMbivalence
1st Apr 2011 00:01am
wow, thank you! yes, she's a rotten one. always appreciate the feedback, especially for these erotics. they're tough for me to master without being outrageously cliché. [:
Intriguing
6th Jun 2011 2:36pm
I can't help but think that the entire poem is a metaphor, of what I'm not sure yet. However, that's not really yours to comment, interpretation is best left to the reader.
Good diction, although I think this line is extraneous personally: "[you're such a pussy.]". It kinda seems not to fit, but I get the nonchalant dismissiveness of it. However, you've already lead the reader there, no need to stamp it on their foreheads. :)
I'd love for you to push the images a little more. You got tantalizingly close, I was able to picture an eloquent but fragmented scene. Maybe that's the point.
Please take my comments with a pinch of salt, just trying to be constructive without bland, unthoughtful, back-slapping.
Devilishly nice ending. Clever boy; you've just been had. :)
Good diction, although I think this line is extraneous personally: "[you're such a pussy.]". It kinda seems not to fit, but I get the nonchalant dismissiveness of it. However, you've already lead the reader there, no need to stamp it on their foreheads. :)
I'd love for you to push the images a little more. You got tantalizingly close, I was able to picture an eloquent but fragmented scene. Maybe that's the point.
Please take my comments with a pinch of salt, just trying to be constructive without bland, unthoughtful, back-slapping.
Devilishly nice ending. Clever boy; you've just been had. :)
0
re: Intriguing
6th Jun 2011 3:47pm
hey, i really appreciate this! haven't had serious constructive feedback in a long time. [:
i might take out that line if it's too much on the foreheads. i sometimes give readers too little credit for figuring feelings, and sometimes too much, so i'll reconsider it
and your comment on the ending made me laugh outright; i just wish i'd thought to make that the ending instead. [:
i might take out that line if it's too much on the foreheads. i sometimes give readers too little credit for figuring feelings, and sometimes too much, so i'll reconsider it
and your comment on the ending made me laugh outright; i just wish i'd thought to make that the ending instead. [:
Credit Due
6th Jun 2011 3:56pm
I think if you took a poll on whether to include or exclude the line, I'm guessing you'd come out 50/50 or 60/40 (knowing this audience) in favor of keeping it.
I'm just a big fan of subtlety. Often, what you don't say is just as important as what you do say. Aside from which the tone of the poem is very clear (to me at least), as I said above I think you've got the nonchalant dimissiveness pitched just about right, not to mention the title of the poem (which gives the reader a further hint).
I feel your pain though, it's a tricky game knowing just how much credit you should give the reader.
I'm just a big fan of subtlety. Often, what you don't say is just as important as what you do say. Aside from which the tone of the poem is very clear (to me at least), as I said above I think you've got the nonchalant dimissiveness pitched just about right, not to mention the title of the poem (which gives the reader a further hint).
I feel your pain though, it's a tricky game knowing just how much credit you should give the reader.
1
You Tell Him
Anonymous
21st Dec 2011 7:05pm
"I am not here for you" I LOVE that line ;)
Nice and Hot...take a little control...It gets em every time!!! Great write
Nice and Hot...take a little control...It gets em every time!!! Great write
0
re: You Tell Him
22nd Dec 2011 8:38am
wow, i haven't been this far back in a while! thank you for sifting through these, warms my heart. [:
Re: Dismissed
15th May 2012 10:01am
re: Re: Dismissed
probably because my erotics aren't pornographic enough for the general public. i appreciate your reading though. [: