Scales

Frozen
Cold as the glaciers that gather around the attic waters
Numb to the feelings that were once so alive
They come and go
Some days it's a forest fire, my emotions destroying every bit that is me
Other days
It's barren, dry, as uninhabitable as a desert
I question if my hearts still beating
I haven't felt it in a very long time, sometimes I try to listen, but there's a silence that should frighten me, but only makes me shrug
Stilled by the one who left me to die on the side of the road
I laugh and smile with the best of them
Go "shopping with the girls"
Laugh when I assume something would be funny, smile at the right times
The truth is, I'm angry. All the time.
Every second the clock ticks the rage burns in my veins
The surge makes me want to break out, rip apart my skin and show the world the real monster behind the curls and the giggles
It's quite tiring
Some days I feel everything at once, while others, I feel nothing at all
I'm like a car that was in an accident, you can fix me, but I'll never run perfect again
It's only when I really stop to think about it does it make me sad
The flash backs kill, or at least I wish they did
I try to brush them away, everyone knows not to bring it up
I'll snap at them, then feel the guilt for doing so, it's not because of them I'm so unstable
I focus on school and work to not think, to not be alone with my thoughts
But, they slither through the cracks in my mind and remind me of the good times, only the good because those always hurt the most
I miss being missed
Of being able to cuddle up to someone and saying "you're mine, and I'm yours."
I crave human contact, not just sexual, but a simple hug, a hold of the hand, the brush of lips across my cheek
My heart swells with emotions
It screams at me to find something to hold onto
While my head knows better, knows the pain and sorrow we would endure once more
So I stand alone, my battle armor stays in place, my guard is always up
It hurts to much to let someone in