deepundergroundpoetry.com
Evening Inclinations
The dusk unlaces
undoing me with its clock hands,
frayed reins slowly unhitching
undressing -
a spindle unwinding
paced
to the fading light
Let loose on the lay
of spiral bind and blue lines
uncertainty catches my wrist
in motion,
but the dead moon drives
a dread
of never telling
welling excitement,
and vivacity swelling to heights
of war paint, dance, and daring
resulting
in abandoned command
Here, base nature will play -
fight for meat to flay with claws
yet keep only pretty words
and lips' breadth away from ravishing the insides
to nourish a famished mind
and appetite
for hot blood
But no promises stand
in the dark
undoing me with its clock hands,
frayed reins slowly unhitching
undressing -
a spindle unwinding
paced
to the fading light
Let loose on the lay
of spiral bind and blue lines
uncertainty catches my wrist
in motion,
but the dead moon drives
a dread
of never telling
welling excitement,
and vivacity swelling to heights
of war paint, dance, and daring
resulting
in abandoned command
Here, base nature will play -
fight for meat to flay with claws
yet keep only pretty words
and lips' breadth away from ravishing the insides
to nourish a famished mind
and appetite
for hot blood
But no promises stand
in the dark
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likes 3
reading list entries 1
comments 18
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The author encourages honest critique.
Evocative!
25th Jan 2011 1:08am
I love the mood here. It's not "off-putting" at all~it's luscious, underscored by the dark & menacing. Excellent title, too.
1
LA
25th Jan 2011 1:24am
'keep
only pretty words and lips' breadth
away from ravishing the inside
to nourish a famished mind
and appetite
for hot blood.' You are so blooming saucy with your words in such a subtle, classy way. I loved this, very easy to read! :D
only pretty words and lips' breadth
away from ravishing the inside
to nourish a famished mind
and appetite
for hot blood.' You are so blooming saucy with your words in such a subtle, classy way. I loved this, very easy to read! :D
1
Subtle and classy indeed...
25th Jan 2011 1:36am
...very nice control, to write it so juicy...
"fight for meat to flay with claws" is a sweet-arse line!
"fight for meat to flay with claws" is a sweet-arse line!
1
gracias
Dead moon drives a dread
...is a wonderful line which makes me envious, Jes.
This still needs tweaks but it's very classy indeed.
I would omit 'day's' from L6 to avoid any rep so early in the poem - 'the' might be sufficient or start the line with spindle.
Also ask, are all those stumbling commas & periods essential when you use shortish lines like this?
Do they hinder or assist the flow for the reader?
I wonder was your title a bolt on after the event. I wouldn't repeat evening so soon into the poem - perhaps you could be more whimsical there?
Your finer imaginings blossoming - enjoyed.
Best ~ Abra
This still needs tweaks but it's very classy indeed.
I would omit 'day's' from L6 to avoid any rep so early in the poem - 'the' might be sufficient or start the line with spindle.
Also ask, are all those stumbling commas & periods essential when you use shortish lines like this?
Do they hinder or assist the flow for the reader?
I wonder was your title a bolt on after the event. I wouldn't repeat evening so soon into the poem - perhaps you could be more whimsical there?
Your finer imaginings blossoming - enjoyed.
Best ~ Abra
1
re: Dead moon drives a dread
25th Jan 2011 11:37am
excellent feedback, thanks! yes, the title was slapped on after, and i thought the punctuation might help the readers but it might be that I'm not giving them enough credit. i'll tweak it, thanks again. [:
evening inclinations
30th Jan 2011 3:28pm
understated sensuality, almost in a matter-of-fact manner which, of course, I like. I would elminate the last line altogether here, the reader doesn't need to be reminded.
I don't understand, "to nourish a famished mind." are we even talking about the mind here? Also, I don't get the use of dread here, it seems to change or at least, to me, anyway, change the intent or premise of the poem--I see the poem as a wonderful and slow-rising sensuality always ascending--just my opinion here and dread seems to interrupt this rise. Also, I would go over the poem line by line and put in punctuation here and there--this in itself will command or guide the reader where the essentials are--jim
I don't understand, "to nourish a famished mind." are we even talking about the mind here? Also, I don't get the use of dread here, it seems to change or at least, to me, anyway, change the intent or premise of the poem--I see the poem as a wonderful and slow-rising sensuality always ascending--just my opinion here and dread seems to interrupt this rise. Also, I would go over the poem line by line and put in punctuation here and there--this in itself will command or guide the reader where the essentials are--jim
1
re: evening inclinations
thanks for the input, Jim. I've been having doubts about the last line as well, since I really like to have a clean ending, so thank you for reminding me.
"to nourish a famished mind" is placed for clarification, (which it seems to have failed in!) because it's talking about writing, reading and/or doing. playing with words and ideas like a cat plays with its prey before eating it...but (for the reasons in the beginning) it won't be a 'go' until the light is gone...well, that's how it was going in my head anyway, i hope it makes sense to more than just me! and I'll consider the punctuation issue, it might be helpful to put in more than I have there. thanks for your valuable feedback, I'll take another look. [:
"to nourish a famished mind" is placed for clarification, (which it seems to have failed in!) because it's talking about writing, reading and/or doing. playing with words and ideas like a cat plays with its prey before eating it...but (for the reasons in the beginning) it won't be a 'go' until the light is gone...well, that's how it was going in my head anyway, i hope it makes sense to more than just me! and I'll consider the punctuation issue, it might be helpful to put in more than I have there. thanks for your valuable feedback, I'll take another look. [:
...
30th Jan 2011 5:34pm
I'm so glad I stumbled across this one. All that 'undoing' 'unwinding' 'undressing' in that first verse builds up to that surge that starts in the second verse. I think it's a phrase from Macbeth where the night is called an 'unnatural time'...like everything that's been hiding underneath all day comes up and holds sway over everything. That's what this poem made me think of.
1
re: ...
30th Jan 2011 7:32pm
what thoughtful reading, Merda, thank you. you got exactly what i hoped would come out of it. i was afraid it might have been too obscure.
re: arrrrr
8th Feb 2011 9:46am
woot! pirate! not exactly the image i was going for, but hey, it rolls right? same sort of idea anyway.
thank yooooou!
thank yooooou!
:)
20th Jan 2012 8:23am
Excellent poem! Particularly this part. Very descriptive and alliterated:
"Let loose on the lay
of spiral bind and blue lines
uncertainty catches my wrist
in motion,
but the dead moon drives
a dread
of never telling
welling excitement,
and vivacity swelling to heights
of war paint, dance, and daring
resulting
in abandoned command"
That part wowed me :)
"Let loose on the lay
of spiral bind and blue lines
uncertainty catches my wrist
in motion,
but the dead moon drives
a dread
of never telling
welling excitement,
and vivacity swelling to heights
of war paint, dance, and daring
resulting
in abandoned command"
That part wowed me :)
0
re: :)
20th Jan 2012 11:45am
the dusk unlaces
19th Apr 2012 5:35am
...undoing me- outside of what someone above me mentioned( all the "un's" are well used in this verse)...this "unlaces" intrigues me. You do indeed indulge and shine light on the wilds of night time, yet in a very different way than I do. Almost like clocking into a job. I wait throughout the stupid day for the inhibitions of night- and it seems like I am always dressed for the occasion. This use of "unlace" reads deep for me as if your changing your attire to attend to the obligation that is night...whether I am right or wrong doesn't matter because it only expands the write for me
1
re: the dusk unlaces
19th Apr 2012 8:17am
well, there is no right or wrong here... but yeah, for me, it's time to unwind and be open to all the urges daylight provokes, but insists i keep in check. love that you could see into it far enough to compare with your own experience. [:
Re: Evening Inclinations
8th Jun 2014 4:39am
re: Re: Evening Inclinations
8th Jun 2014 9:49pm
Thanks very much. I'm a bit self conscious about this one now, but it's nice to look back and remember I could think like this once. Appreciate your stopping in. [: