The Power Struggle

Over a year ago I entered rehabilitation to detox,
Realizing that my life had become unorthodox!
Seeing the flaw with the saying, 'same shit different day'
Gaining a new respect for myself along the way.
Understanding that we can't change us,
Only by the power of one greater than us!

Cruising along my merry way,
hey, I've been clean and sober 8 months today.
Believing that I'm doing just fine,
My toes seem to keep finding the line!
Walkin into work thinkin nothing new,
But in walks a man who under his nose has residue.
Thinking maybe just this once I'll be fine,
Knowing deep inside this could be a sign.
That I was still enslaved and confined,
By the chains that tangle and bind.
Losing the respect that for self I gained,
Causing my relationships to be strained!

3 months go by and the use went up,
Looking for that high that had me corrupt.
Thinking I'm not as bad as before,
No tweaking no sweat outpour,
I can manage this I swore!
Failing day by day and not seeing this,
Falling farther and farther down the abyss.

February comes, been clean over 60 days,
Feeling depressed and living in a haze.
Wondering how to pull myself up
Faking a smile just sayin whatsup!
So it all happened within a moments notice,
Having no regard for my current status.
In my mind justifying how I could change my mood,
by gaining another way for life to be viewed.

Seeing her I thought that I was insane,
Thinkin I'm married in my brain.
However I felt like I'm the one in pain,
Not willing to see that I need restrain.
Leaving that night not sealing the deal,
Thinking fuck this shit, I'll find another thrill.
Calling up the dealer to remove the edge,
Mentally standing on the proverbial ledge.
Sending a text to score some cocaine,
Realizing that I'm still not able to abstain.

Whatever the reason it matters not,
Hindsight is 20/20 called afterthought!
But if the lessons dropped and forgot,
Remember 'Back to the Future'......'Great Scot!'
And while in the future take a snapshot,
Then it would become aforethought!

Weeks days and months have disappeared
My minds like a dirty chalkboard all smeared.
Going from house to house and bed to bed,
Trying to clear my aching head
Causing heartache and confusion instead
of love and stability causing tranquility
Knowing that my credibility
Would soon make me a liability
Hoping one day I would find humility
To seek out some durability.

Trying to make sense of what I've done
Tired of my life being a giant rerun
Knowing actions can't be undone, spun
A new outlook and desire to overcome
The demons I failed to succumb.

Wondering if my choices are right
Not sure if I should even fight.
Gaining the strength to stand on my own,
Missing the drugs and feelings of being stoned.
Listenin to the doctors and their advice,
Lookin at the side effects not the price,
Wondering how long it will suffice,
Will I feel that I am the sacrifice,
Or will I chose to be imprecise rather than precise.
Waiting for the meds to kick in and help,
Gaining the answers from them to self-help.

Fragile and frail as I reprogram the mind,
Rewiring the brain what will I find?
Will I still love the one that is spouse,
Or will I get up and leave this house.
Waking at night with pains in my head,
Thanking God that I'm not dead!
But unwilling to settle for what is easy,
But doing my best to not get queasy.
Feeling that love is a fragile thing,
But my life's not simple I'm going insane.