deepundergroundpoetry.com
Admiration
Sleeping silently beside you
Your beauty; how it wooed
Feeling you push back against me
Immediately I know you feel free
Intensity of your thrust
Gives me such a rush
My heart races; lips tingle
I hold back
Unclear if you’re ready to mingle
I lay and adore
Quickly realizing I must explore
I hold you gently
Pull you closer
You’re not a poser
I hear that gentle moan
Which really sets the tone
In that instant
I throw back the sheets
Take my finger to taste your treats
If only this moment could last forever
In that moment my heart begins to quiver
Never quite felt like this before
Could never see you walk out that door
My rock; the air I breathe
So sad I have to leave
Because if I could; I would desire
To lay next to you all day and ADMIRE!
Your beauty; how it wooed
Feeling you push back against me
Immediately I know you feel free
Intensity of your thrust
Gives me such a rush
My heart races; lips tingle
I hold back
Unclear if you’re ready to mingle
I lay and adore
Quickly realizing I must explore
I hold you gently
Pull you closer
You’re not a poser
I hear that gentle moan
Which really sets the tone
In that instant
I throw back the sheets
Take my finger to taste your treats
If only this moment could last forever
In that moment my heart begins to quiver
Never quite felt like this before
Could never see you walk out that door
My rock; the air I breathe
So sad I have to leave
Because if I could; I would desire
To lay next to you all day and ADMIRE!
Published 15th Oct 2013
| Edited 18th Oct 2013
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The author encourages honest critique.
18th Oct 2013 12:00pm
Welcome to the DU ! I really love this poem; particularly it's presentation. If you relay the obvious, it's beautiful but.....
......reading beyond the surface, you almost feel as if you are speaking to and about the most intimate and trusting friend that one should have, yourself. perhaps unintentional but this ink leaves this avenue open to it's reader....this alternate perception. I really like this. I applaud you : )
......reading beyond the surface, you almost feel as if you are speaking to and about the most intimate and trusting friend that one should have, yourself. perhaps unintentional but this ink leaves this avenue open to it's reader....this alternate perception. I really like this. I applaud you : )
18th Oct 2013 12:34pm
Thank you. I am really passionate about my poetry. All feedback is helpful. Keep reading and I will continue to sharpen my skills. I love manipulating words :-)
18th Oct 2013 8:40pm
This is much better than your first version. The rhythm and flow is good. You mix long and short lines effectively. Sometimes rhyme does help but sometimes it forces you into using rhyming words when other words suit better. But generally it is a good attempt.
