deepundergroundpoetry.com
Titanic 🚢
Carrying thousands
day and night
across the sea
to a foreign land.
Four perfect days
through its maiden voyage
came upon that awful day
of pain and suffrage.
Crashing into an iceberg
led to fear and horror
many were trying
to escape the terror.
After two long hours
the unsinkable finally sank
leaving the ship along with hundreds
to rest in peace on the ocean floor.
~~All my poems are copyright of 2012 and 2013. No part of my poems are to be copied without my permission. Thank you!
day and night
across the sea
to a foreign land.
Four perfect days
through its maiden voyage
came upon that awful day
of pain and suffrage.
Crashing into an iceberg
led to fear and horror
many were trying
to escape the terror.
After two long hours
the unsinkable finally sank
leaving the ship along with hundreds
to rest in peace on the ocean floor.
~~All my poems are copyright of 2012 and 2013. No part of my poems are to be copied without my permission. Thank you!
Published 12th Oct 2013
| Edited 6th Nov 2013
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 2
reading list entries 1
comments 10
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The author encourages honest critique.
12th Oct 2013 2:06pm
Wow!This poem melting my heart,i know the story of Titanic from documentary and movie,everytime I saw it flow rivers of tears on my cheek for the people who died and for the two lovers.Congratulation for the idea with Titanic poem!!!
We need a video as well.
http://youtu.be/8wTlureUMP8
We need a video as well.
http://youtu.be/8wTlureUMP8
12th Oct 2013 2:21pm
Thank you, glad you enjoyed it.
It was a sad movie and I wanted to write a poem for all the lives taken that day.
Thank you again for taking the time to read it and I appreciate your comment!
It was a sad movie and I wanted to write a poem for all the lives taken that day.
Thank you again for taking the time to read it and I appreciate your comment!
12th Oct 2013 2:25pm
12th Oct 2013 2:43pm
15th Oct 2013 9:22am
nicely written ...
titanic is a legendary topic, to touch it itself shows your brave n courageous side .
while many artists have failed to match the feelings in one short poem , u my friend have managed to evoke a very good feel for your readers. well done ...
may all the victims of the unfortunate event rest in peace..
cyanide...
titanic is a legendary topic, to touch it itself shows your brave n courageous side .
while many artists have failed to match the feelings in one short poem , u my friend have managed to evoke a very good feel for your readers. well done ...
may all the victims of the unfortunate event rest in peace..
cyanide...
15th Oct 2013 2:16pm
Thank you so much for taking the time to read it and thank you for the comment, I appreciate it! :)
18th Oct 2013 7:32am
unless by the word "suffrage" you are speaking of a short prayer, "suffrage" doesn't mean what you think it means.
"Carrying thousands/
day and night/"--um..why is it important to mention the "day and night" bit? maybe some voyages only lasted twelve hours or less, but it just doesn't seem an extremely significant fact that a sea voyage could take a day and a night or more.
the third stanza changes to a more prose-like feel. and what do you mean, putting that "Crashing into an iceberg" bit at the top of it, and then...well, i mean, you have a period at the end of the preceding phrase, and no punctuation at the end of the "Crashing into an iceberg" bit, and anyway well doesn't the third stanza seem poorly written to you that way?
"Carrying thousands/
day and night/"--um..why is it important to mention the "day and night" bit? maybe some voyages only lasted twelve hours or less, but it just doesn't seem an extremely significant fact that a sea voyage could take a day and a night or more.
the third stanza changes to a more prose-like feel. and what do you mean, putting that "Crashing into an iceberg" bit at the top of it, and then...well, i mean, you have a period at the end of the preceding phrase, and no punctuation at the end of the "Crashing into an iceberg" bit, and anyway well doesn't the third stanza seem poorly written to you that way?
18th Oct 2013 2:31pm
Ok well would would it make more sense to use "suffering" instead of "suffrage"?
"Four perfect days
through its maiden voyage
came upon that awful day
of pain and suffering."
To me, that doesn't make sense so what do you think the proper word would be?
I use "day and night" because I think it sounds good and the titanic did sail for four days and i assume all day and night. I mean they didn't ONLY travel at night why would they? They crashed at night, so why would they travel at night but not the daytime?
"Crashing into an iceberg" is what happened to them. How else would I explain it? Of course there's no period after that line it wouldn't make sense:
"Crashing into an iceberg.
Led to fear and horror".
I think that would be bad punctuation wouldn't you say?
As for the rest of it I suppose I could use more punctuations in some places.
Anyway, thank you for your review. I appreciate it!
"Four perfect days
through its maiden voyage
came upon that awful day
of pain and suffering."
To me, that doesn't make sense so what do you think the proper word would be?
I use "day and night" because I think it sounds good and the titanic did sail for four days and i assume all day and night. I mean they didn't ONLY travel at night why would they? They crashed at night, so why would they travel at night but not the daytime?
"Crashing into an iceberg" is what happened to them. How else would I explain it? Of course there's no period after that line it wouldn't make sense:
"Crashing into an iceberg.
Led to fear and horror".
I think that would be bad punctuation wouldn't you say?
As for the rest of it I suppose I could use more punctuations in some places.
Anyway, thank you for your review. I appreciate it!
suffering is a good word. after all, "suffrage" means voting or the right to vote or a short prayer on someone else's behalf, not "suffering."
just because it sounds good to you personally, sorry, does not necessarily mean it will sound good, or look good to the reader. you are, after all, publishing for the sake of the reader, though you may write the initial (and unpublished) piece for yourself. now, you may also in this day and age publish things that are beautiful only to you, and make it clear that that may be the case, and that may somehow work out. nothing wrong with publishing your own mind and letting potentially billions of others peruse its passages. but otherwise, it just seems like common sense--and common historical knowledge--that the voyage was day and night, day and night, day and night, and so on, so emphasising it to those who already may very well know it is...
i have no problem with your presenting that they crashed into an iceberg, but take a look at how you presented it. please, please, take a look at it. you know, people used to write a poem and wait, and rethink it and edit it themselves a few times before sending it to a potential publisher. please look at that stanza again, and use some good old fashioned common sense.
yes, it would be bad punctuation with the period, but not with a comma in place of the period--use some common sense here, and the reader will be more pleased...
challenge me some more if you like. i'll probably find it refreshing. please, please do if you like.
just because it sounds good to you personally, sorry, does not necessarily mean it will sound good, or look good to the reader. you are, after all, publishing for the sake of the reader, though you may write the initial (and unpublished) piece for yourself. now, you may also in this day and age publish things that are beautiful only to you, and make it clear that that may be the case, and that may somehow work out. nothing wrong with publishing your own mind and letting potentially billions of others peruse its passages. but otherwise, it just seems like common sense--and common historical knowledge--that the voyage was day and night, day and night, day and night, and so on, so emphasising it to those who already may very well know it is...
i have no problem with your presenting that they crashed into an iceberg, but take a look at how you presented it. please, please, take a look at it. you know, people used to write a poem and wait, and rethink it and edit it themselves a few times before sending it to a potential publisher. please look at that stanza again, and use some good old fashioned common sense.
yes, it would be bad punctuation with the period, but not with a comma in place of the period--use some common sense here, and the reader will be more pleased...
challenge me some more if you like. i'll probably find it refreshing. please, please do if you like.
"suffering is a good word. after all, "suffrage" means voting or the right to vote or a short prayer on someone else's behalf, not "suffering."
Ok, you're probably right there. But for some reason it doesn't seem to make sense.
"but otherwise, it just seems like common sense--and common historical knowledge--that the voyage was day and night, day and night, day and night, and so on, so emphasising it to those who already may very well know it is..."
I understand what you're saying here, but when I wrote it, I felt that it was the correct thing to say that sounds good with the poem. All I did was described what happened to them:
"Four perfect days
Through it's maiden voyage"
Then the awful tragedy that followed. Do you see what I'm trying to say?
"i have no problem with your presenting that they crashed into an iceberg, but take a look at how you presented it. please, please, take a look at it. you know, people used to write a poem and wait, and rethink it and edit it themselves a few times before sending it to a potential publisher. please look at that stanza again, and use some good old fashioned common sense."
Ok, I will keep that in mind on how I presented it. I will do that.
Again, thank you for your opinion. To be honest, you are my first real critic. Literally hundreds of people has read and reviewed my poems on other sites and in person. And they all think my poems are truly amazing and perfect the way they are and don't need edited. And I agree that not everyone likes the same thing, so there's going to be someone out there who doesn't like it. You just happen to be the first, and I respect your opinion.
Ok, you're probably right there. But for some reason it doesn't seem to make sense.
"but otherwise, it just seems like common sense--and common historical knowledge--that the voyage was day and night, day and night, day and night, and so on, so emphasising it to those who already may very well know it is..."
I understand what you're saying here, but when I wrote it, I felt that it was the correct thing to say that sounds good with the poem. All I did was described what happened to them:
"Four perfect days
Through it's maiden voyage"
Then the awful tragedy that followed. Do you see what I'm trying to say?
"i have no problem with your presenting that they crashed into an iceberg, but take a look at how you presented it. please, please, take a look at it. you know, people used to write a poem and wait, and rethink it and edit it themselves a few times before sending it to a potential publisher. please look at that stanza again, and use some good old fashioned common sense."
Ok, I will keep that in mind on how I presented it. I will do that.
Again, thank you for your opinion. To be honest, you are my first real critic. Literally hundreds of people has read and reviewed my poems on other sites and in person. And they all think my poems are truly amazing and perfect the way they are and don't need edited. And I agree that not everyone likes the same thing, so there's going to be someone out there who doesn't like it. You just happen to be the first, and I respect your opinion.
