deepundergroundpoetry.com
Back of the Cover
My grandfather's room
hummed mysteries
up that dingy staircase;
a 60's mustard yellow glow
taunting young curiosity
to strike temporary truce
with conscience
as well as ghosts
in the walls
Upon creaking
into the Collector's den
my face was met with racks of scolding
guns, bows, ammunition-
but hunting knives gleamed in open drawers
and some on the floor
in formation:
friendly fish
shimmering my many reflections.
After imperiling a pirate with the finest
I gently set it free.
Treasure!
Rings made with all sorts of metals
shells, stones
set neatly on fabric
in lines
on the top of his bureau-
His bookshelves spouted poetry,
flaunted classic records and novels
like old money
A small writing desk
flashed me the raven's riddle
while its resident sealing wax set
sang of cabbages and kings.
Engaged by the sight
of a wooden box
dusty in the alcove window
I imagined inside
must be his collection of stories for children
the squirrels had watched him write
in his prime.
The box was, indeed
impenetrable.
Quietly ducking out
with one last peek of mustard yellow
I knew I had only read
the back of the cover.
hummed mysteries
up that dingy staircase;
a 60's mustard yellow glow
taunting young curiosity
to strike temporary truce
with conscience
as well as ghosts
in the walls
Upon creaking
into the Collector's den
my face was met with racks of scolding
guns, bows, ammunition-
but hunting knives gleamed in open drawers
and some on the floor
in formation:
friendly fish
shimmering my many reflections.
After imperiling a pirate with the finest
I gently set it free.
Treasure!
Rings made with all sorts of metals
shells, stones
set neatly on fabric
in lines
on the top of his bureau-
His bookshelves spouted poetry,
flaunted classic records and novels
like old money
A small writing desk
flashed me the raven's riddle
while its resident sealing wax set
sang of cabbages and kings.
Engaged by the sight
of a wooden box
dusty in the alcove window
I imagined inside
must be his collection of stories for children
the squirrels had watched him write
in his prime.
The box was, indeed
impenetrable.
Quietly ducking out
with one last peek of mustard yellow
I knew I had only read
the back of the cover.
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 3
reading list entries 2
comments 25
reads 1091
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
<3
13th Jan 2011 11:25am
...he seemed like a cool granpa, with all those uniqueness... :) and the way you recalled him, its kind of mix adoration and at the same time it's as if your a bit puzzled... the poem all in all is very vivid... I love it! (this,made me miss my granpa...) :)
1
re: <3
13th Jan 2011 2:15pm
Yeah, he was an interesting character for sure. I was going to have a great big change for the end, but I already cut it way back and it would have turned out too lengthy...thanks for your sweet comment. I hope it brought nice memories. [:
Convincing and poignant
13th Jan 2011 11:55am
..please take the trouble to hone it, make it less prosey perhaps. Leave it sit for a day or so until you know where the tweaks are to be made. Your grandpa sounds like he deserved the best - thanks for sharing, Jes
~ Abra
~ Abra
1
re: Convincing and poignant
13th Jan 2011 2:12pm
I've been trying so hard to fix this the way you would, but I can't get past this damn prose! I'm going to read up more of your writes to see if I can get that poetry flowing. It's just blocked somewhere. Thanks so much for commenting, I'm going to work at it a bit. [:
Comment
Anonymous
- Edited 13th Jan 2011 1:19pm
13th Jan 2011 1:13pm
This is a lovely and moving poem. I've been having trouble with my reading lately, because so few of the books produced now grip or make me feel something, anything, so your poem was a huge relief. It gave me goosebumps, and reminded me why I love words. This is one of your best, I think. My favourite part:
"A small writing desk
flashed me the raven's riddle
while the sealing wax set
sang of cabbages and kings"
Words fail me, Jestalessa. My only recommendation would be to use a tad more punctuation here and there. Sometimes the sentences run into each other.
"A small writing desk
flashed me the raven's riddle
while the sealing wax set
sang of cabbages and kings"
Words fail me, Jestalessa. My only recommendation would be to use a tad more punctuation here and there. Sometimes the sentences run into each other.
1
re: Comment
13th Jan 2011 2:22pm
Thanks, Jack, I'm so glad it could move you! I'll work on the punctuation. I was hoping the vague punctuation would help mask my trouble with figuring out where the sentences should stop/start/continue but I obviously didn't do very well! Like Abra suggested I'm going to work on it a bit more altogether, I just needed some outside perspective since I've been at it on and off for a few days.
p.s. I like those lines too. [:
L.A.
13th Jan 2011 3:29pm
Oh, Jestalessa, this is another piece I love. What am I going to do? Can't keep up with the way you just get better and better, most of us have our on and off days but you literally get better and better. I adore this. The words are divine. Well done. =]
1
re: L.A.
! Thank you so much, you're too kind to me! Literally! (I'm just sure I don't deserve all this praise when faced with your wonderful imagination.) I'm getting good advice and critique which is invaluable, so I'm glad it's coming out. [:
.
13th Jan 2011 11:03pm
Oh now, this is liquid beautiful... You paint a portrait far more detailed than any brush. I love it. (:
1
re: .
14th Jan 2011 8:00am
Wow, thank you so much! I hope I don't ruin it for you when I tweak it, I very much appreciate your read. [:
his life's story
14th Jan 2011 11:05pm
Jackie, as a poem I think it is too long, but I don't see this piece as a poem at all, not really. I see it as a book, yes, a book with an admixture of actual reality from what is in the room with the power of imagination and fantasy of the little girl. Your poetic imagery is wonderful and can be interspersed throughout--just an idea told from the point of view of a little girl.
1
re: his life's story
15th Jan 2011 7:48am
ah yes, it could probably do with more colour to it throughout, thanks for your input! [:
.
17th Jan 2011 8:46am
I really love this. I'm not sure if it has been tweaked since the previous comments, but I don't find it prosy or too long at all. Your images here are beautiful, and I can see exactly what you're painting. Well done!
0
re: .
17th Jan 2011 9:10am
thank you, yeah, i have tweaked it, but i'm still not totally happy with the second-to-last verse. thanks for the read! i'm really enjoying your writes, keep 'em comin'. [:
re: re: .
I can kinda see what you're saying about the second to last verse, but it doesn't really need much. Maybe say something like:
An impenetrable wooden box
dusty in the alcove window,
held his collection
of stories for children.
Family rumour recalled
he had written them in his prime.
After stating that the box is impenetrable, you really don't need to state that it was also "surely" holding his collection as that's already implied. Also, I think breaking this into two sentences, taking out the "as" at the start of the 5th line, and adding in a "them" in the last line makes this flow a little better as the last two lines (to my spoken word ear) would be a little clunky to speak.
Take this edit with a grain of salt, though. I, personally, may have written it this way but it's seriously fine how it is.
An impenetrable wooden box
dusty in the alcove window,
held his collection
of stories for children.
Family rumour recalled
he had written them in his prime.
After stating that the box is impenetrable, you really don't need to state that it was also "surely" holding his collection as that's already implied. Also, I think breaking this into two sentences, taking out the "as" at the start of the 5th line, and adding in a "them" in the last line makes this flow a little better as the last two lines (to my spoken word ear) would be a little clunky to speak.
Take this edit with a grain of salt, though. I, personally, may have written it this way but it's seriously fine how it is.
0
re: re: re: .
that's almost what it read before i tweaked it, (well, the second time) but what i had was prosey. i'll put it back to the beginning for the time being though, because i simply quit tweaking and left it crappy. please don't hold back on critiques, i thrive on them. [:
A poem so rich and classy...
17th Jan 2011 10:04am
that speaks of a different time by a different generation. This is where I think this powerful script of yours has won. This is certainly your best and I will request you to go with a sequel of the same so that it doesn't becomes lengthy and we can get some more mysterious and wonderful crafty insight about our grand parents. I will be impatient to read that!
0
re: A poem so rich and classy...
17th Jan 2011 11:08am
thank you so much! i am intrigued by the way generations lived before us. if i ever become satisfied with this one, i may attempt a sequel for you. [:
very enjoyable work
Anonymous
17th Jan 2011 6:48pm
Evokes so many pleasant memories of my own Grandfather.
Lovely.
S
Lovely.
S
0
re: very enjoyable work
17th Jan 2011 6:54pm
I am...
18th Jan 2011 11:17am
loving the tweak Jacki! Isn't old people wonderful?--they are like libraries, because they have much to share! thanks doll, for sharing this :)
0
re: I am...
18th Jan 2011 11:35am
that's so sweet, of you Kasandra, thanks for checking back!
yeah, it's strange for me to think of them being young, with the same natures we have, having their own hobbies, lives without our technology and information but maybe a richer existence...they do have a lot to pass along if we listen. [:
re: again v.nice
18th Jan 2011 11:40pm
thank you, i like to leave things just a little bit open for interpretation, but i don't want to be too vague either, so i'm glad you could get bitsy changes out of it that still made sense.
don't think i'm ready for publishing yet but that's a huge compliment. [:
don't think i'm ready for publishing yet but that's a huge compliment. [:
wow
13th Apr 2011 2:15pm
This is gorgeous.
A perfect portayal of memories and of
a person who obviously meant a lot to you.
Awesome
A perfect portayal of memories and of
a person who obviously meant a lot to you.
Awesome
0
re: wow
13th Apr 2011 2:51pm