My diary. 1/12/11

Dear diary 

It has been way to long since I have vented off the truth of how life is, friends just don't cut it. I don't have to sugar coat anything to you, I can be me and thats all I need. 

Since New Years day my life got better than worse all at once. Yes Diary, It was my fault you know me better than anyone. I screwed it all up again but this time with the boy I liked the most. I did him so wrong. Tell me why Diary?
Why must I always ruin something that was so good in my life?
Needed love and affection... I was getting it....
Then I went back to my ex and just got my future cut off.

My one moment and shot of happiness shot and killed off. He was so perfect sweet, cute, adorable, extremely funny, he was just plain out amazing. I ruined it.  

We had the most wonderful day together and at night when he took me to work he looked like he forgave me for the betrayal. We kissed and it was amazing he picked me up put me agains the wall and kissed me so passionately. Later we made out a little more. Every single kiss made me moan in my mind. 

Before he took me to my job we had such a more intense connection more intimate and he confessed how he was feeling... I was so happy because I felt sexual feeling for him to but he had to leave before the last bus left.

so we kissed and it was over. The next day on Facebook he didn't want to speak to me and tells me there will be nothing between us because he can't forgive me.. I was sad confused alone, felt like no one.

Diary what do I do? Wait for him? I think so but we haven't loved each other so would he come back to me Diary?

I felt so close to him I thought we were good. I was wrong.. oh diary teach me how to just not care. I'm tired of putting my heart into people who will just make me wait.

Diary teach me how to end my life. Teach me to just not care for my life. Please give me the strength to kill myself and save myself the pain of more heart breaks.

Diary just tell me what to do? I am desperate.