- so hate me

i ache and i 
cringe
with an overflowing surge of
frustration and self-hate and mortifying pain
it is as if i am the only one
who can see how fucking crucially ugly it is 
to be me

i do not want any
of the beautifuletherealbreathtaking feelings
called happiness, love, hope, joy
because i am inadequate
and incapable
and too selfish and too insecure and too uncontrollable
to handle the normality
of being loved
or feeling love

i did once
and i ended up
trying to disappear

because i hold a black heart and
dry skin to the core of my chest
and scream only 
emptiness

i am deserving of nobody
and you are deserving
of the world