Nighttime Thoughts

I wish that things could be different
Sometimes
That I could be a little more interesting
Less shy
And capture people's attention more easily

I envy those awesome humans who don't give a fuck
And just do it
Expose themselves for the world to see
So fearlessly
They're absolutely crazy!
But also amazing.
So I kinda like them
Even though I don't fully relate.

Sure some of them are naive
But it seems to me that it's better to act and not think.
Thinking too much gets you nowhere
Except really really confused.
Gosh I'm odd.

I wonder if I do have some intriguing qualities
I know some people say so
But they could be lying...
Or, perhaps I just don't know how to show them
Well, it's probly more like I just don't want to.
Not because I'm an idiot.
But due to my own fears

See, I know I'm a good person
And that I've got things to offer
It's just that
It's easier to pretend there's nothing here
For various reasons
Ah, fun.
My own little webs I create

Trust has never come easy for me.
I hate people
I want to love them more though.
I just need to find people worth loving I guess
Because most of the ones I've crossed paths with are shit.
But lumping friends and enemies into the same ball
Isn't gonna help me connect at all
It's unintentional, not my fault.

In fact I should relax
I'm capable of differentiating
I haven't done that the whole way through this life thing
I found some fascinating people somehow
Can't quite remember how but
They stuck with me for whatever reason
Which I'm thankful for beyond belief
They are great friends
But holy shit are they ever hard to find
Yup, the rare kind.
I wish for more of them
Damn.

And relationships, well they've been interesting
Strange rides that have been mostly learning experiences
And by "strange" I mean painful
Decent people who just act weird
Ugh, they are exhausting
But at least I've found some
Which shows I can do this thing
Sort of

But anyway
It'd be nice
To not be so complicated
And so hard to break in
When everyone else is open and impulsive
And I wonder if that makes me repulsive
My calculated nature
And twisted behaviour
Scares people away I suppose
And it's not like I want to get close
So I don't and they don't
Then I end up alone
And for some reason I complain about it, to myself that is
Though I can't figure out why, when it gives me comfort
Expecting the same thing over and over never leaves me disappointed
Well, what I mean is it shouldn't
But for some reason it does
Which is seriously annoying by the way
Because it means - never mind

It's probably accurate to say that though I'd rather not admit it
I do like surprises after all
They can be sweet sometimes
And I love those ones way too much
But most of them suck
So I've decided I hate them
A lot
Haha
That's funny, I amuse myself
It's so stupid
And I probably need some help
Because I'm just up late
Feeling emotional
And reflecting on life
Hoping for it to bring me clarity
I'll sleep on it
Let these thoughts lie in my subconscious
Embedded deep within
And find out tomorrow if it worked
I doubt it but hey
Anything is worth a try
At least once