deepundergroundpoetry.com
Sleep
Everyone’s an artist,
snug inside their sheets.
Awakened by our sleeping minds,
subconscious finds its feet.
Dancing like a child’s balloon
caught in a gust of wind,
precision chaos in the night
unfolds itself within.
Fragmented dreams
when you were young
linger to this day.
Inside the mind
grand paintings hung,
forgotten trials saved.
snug inside their sheets.
Awakened by our sleeping minds,
subconscious finds its feet.
Dancing like a child’s balloon
caught in a gust of wind,
precision chaos in the night
unfolds itself within.
Fragmented dreams
when you were young
linger to this day.
Inside the mind
grand paintings hung,
forgotten trials saved.
Published 4th Sep 2013
| Edited 5th Sep 2013
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
Quite delightful 'fragmented dreams
when you were young
still linger to this day' lovely line ;
however may I suggest you do not need 'still' often a superfluous word, as here.
However this goes on my reading list
Also try' forgotten trials saved '
Please do not be offended
when you were young
still linger to this day' lovely line ;
however may I suggest you do not need 'still' often a superfluous word, as here.
However this goes on my reading list
Also try' forgotten trials saved '
Please do not be offended
5th Sep 2013 3:20pm
None taken, thanks for the advice. It definitely flows better without "still", and once still's gone, it flows better without you've.
